------- Forwarded Message Follows ------- > Here is the kind of job description most of us can relate to: >HONESTY UNIVERSITY has *Vacancy* >Dean, College of Increasingly Fragmented Studies > >Honesty University, a public, almost comprehensive institution of >hopefully higher education, seeks someone desperate enough to fill a >vacancy created by the gleeful departure of the previous dean for a >better-paying, less-stressful job. Honesty University is located in >the State of Flux, and receives a pitifully small annual subsidy from >a state legislature which would rather spend tax dollars on prisons, >highways, and tax breaks (AKA, bribes) to large corporations. The >University is comprised of six colleges: the College of Corporate >Greed (our largest); the College of Incompetent Instructional >Training; the College of Science (our smallest); the College of Small >Appliance Repair, Plumbing, and Technical Matriculation; the College >of Computer Worship (our best endowed); and the College of >Increasingly Fragmented Studies (IFS). > >The College of IFS is comprised of the following units: the Center >for Interdisciplinary Studies; the Center for International Studies; >the Center for Diversity Studies; the Center for Interpersonal >Studies; the Center for Cultural Studies; the Center for Intercultural >Studies; the Institute of Political Correctness; the Center for the >Politically Incorrect; the Department of Cross-Disciplinary >Deconstruction; the Institute for the Resource-Challenged; the >Department of Idiosyncrasy; the Department of Ideologic Eccentricity; >and the Institute for Providing Jobs for Faculty Who Got Tenure & >Don't Like Their Disciplines Any More. The College also houses a >small instructional laboratory staffed entirely by adjuncts which >provides classes in English Composition, Public Speaking, Logic, Basic >Mathematics, Reading, and Appreciation of the Arts. The Dean is the >chief administrator of the College, and supervises a small, >overworked, poorly-paid staff. The Dean reports directly to the >Provost, who wishes the College of IFS didn't exist. > >RESPONSIBILITIES: The Dean of IFS is responsible for the >administration of all the programs listed above, but is expected to >have no opinions whatsoever about their daily operations. As chief >fiscal officer of the College, the Dean is expected to acquire >unprecedented funding from the central administration, and turn it all >over to the unit which yells the loudest or considers its educational >mission The Only One That Really Matters. The Dean will also be the >College's chief fund-raiser, and is expected to enlarge our endowment >(presently valued at $7,438.27) by $14.75 million within the next two >years. The Dean will also: sit on 137 committees; handle all >faculty, staff, and student grievances with the wisdom of Solomon; >approve, in writing, every trivial thing anyone can think of; teach >for free; approve, in writing, significant departmental changes, major >plans, and hair-brained schemes without reading any of them; grant all >leaves, promotions, and tenure awards without question; maintain a >significant program of scholarly research worth $12.5 million in >annual grants to Honesty U. > >QUALIFICATIONS: >--a terminal degree in one of the disciplines represented within the >College, or equivalent professional credentials (e.g., blood >relationship with a member of our Board of Regents or State >Legislature) >--a record of teaching, research, and service that would earn an >endowed chair at Harvard >--legal skills and knowledge that could get you admitted to most >state bar associations >--demonstrated ideologic purity and absolutely correct politics >(although we will not tell you what these are) >--an administrative track record that would qualify you as a CEO for >any Fortune 500 corporation >--the teaching and negotiating skills of Jesus of Nazareth >--demonstrated ability to "please all of the people all of the time" > >To apply, submit the following materials: >--a letter of application which demonstrates that you have lost every >last vestige of self-respect >--five current letters of reference from people who will be utterly >crushed to find out you wish to leave your present position >--original transcripts from every school you ever attended (although, >of course, these will be "filed" in the nearest wastebasket) >--your resume (preferably, 50+ pages litho-printed on museum-quality >parchment) >--a "brief" autobiographical sketch, clearly demonstrating what an >egotistical, ambitious, Machiavellian you are >--a book-length "vision plan" for the College of IFS, detailing how >you will turn a second-rate collection of misfits and prima donnas >into a world-class center of learning--on less money than it takes to >operate your average car wash) > >Application Deadline: 72 hours from the time you first read this. > >NB--Honesty University is an EEE (Equal Everything Employer) >institution. Do not apply if some factor of your identity is not >politically in fashion (this list subject to frequent, random >changes). > >********************* (originally from Trinity University)