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Dear Listfriends, I have a few things to ask. But first, let me fill you in on what's been happening, not only as of late, for those of you who know me, but also in my past for those of you who may be new to the list. I suppose you could call it devine justice. Due to a self-esteem problem (also could be termed an ego problem), I attempted suicide about nine years ago. It was actually a feeble cry for help. I poisoned myself with carbon monoxide. What I ended up with was a sort of self-inflicted pallidotomy. Except instead of helping me, the bi-lateral lesions to both the internal and external globus pallidus balanced no signals, but rather created a sort of bizzarre Parkinson's like illness that has left me in many ways as less than half the man that I was before. I used the word "Devine" before, because I do believe that it was God's will that I should end up as I am today; that is - slow of movement, devoid of balance, and poor of oral communication. Now for the truly sad (?) part. All of this happened when I was eighteen years old, which, if you do the math, makes me almost twenty-seven right now. I know and I realize that we all have our own concerns, and I guess I should feel lucky to just be alive. But you know what, I am NOT. I demand a rematch with my former self. As I am sitting here writing this, I feel the best years of my life, and what's left of my sanity slipping away. I also understand that there are those of you who are much worse off than I am, but didn't most of you have good years as well? Even years after you had been diagnosed, but were still able to enjoy life. I don't want to offend anyone as I have done in the past, but if you have never woken up from a coma after four days, and have had level 4-5 Parkinson's thrust upon you instantly, then you can't understand. I have recently received some good news from Carole Hilton, a member of the list, also holding a big title at the Good Samaritan Hospital in Los Angeles. In a previous message she has stated that the type of P.D. that I have would be most appropriate for a fetal tissue implant. As you know, however, this procedure will not come without some money being spent, and some controversy concerning ethical considerations. Being a Christian, I have already dealt with the moral questions that I will face when I meet the Lord, if I even get THAT far. The $45,000 that would have to be shelled out is about all my immediate family is worth, so it appears that I am going to need some help with that. I have sent mail to both our local newspaper and a local T.V. station, but have not heard from them yet. It may sound strange, but I am also a Christian without a church. I do not even want to go into why not. Just know that I read my bible almost every night. What I want is to know where I should be concentrating my efforts for raising funds. Sincere best wishes to all, Jacob (26,'88)