original posted on 970714
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dear syber-siblings
for those who don't know me very well
i use the term 'siblings' consciously and deliberately
this group has great importance to me as an extended family
i live on an island with a population of 55,000
and have never met another parkie
let alone a support group
so 'you lot' are it
since october 1995
when i was privileged to join this ethereal family
i have:
posted daily at times
posted infrequently at times
lurked for months at a stretch
all depending on my own circumstances and my own energy levels
i deal with parkinson's disease [pd]
as well as with clinical depression [cd]
and at times, i think cd is the harder battle
when my thinking
is bright and clear
my sense of self is strong
my sense of humour is at its gooffiest
my inherent natural joy in life is in top form
and my tolerance for the actions of others is at its most generous
when i am caught
in the Grey Cloud [GC]
of Clinical Depression [CD]
or other Similarly Laden Internalized Modes of Expression [SLIME!]
my thinking becomes
consistently negative
my sense of self is muddied
the joy in life doesn't exist
[and never did, and never will return]
there is little in this wide world and dark to laugh at
and there are very few people out there
[a] who are worth my attention and
[b] who would ever feel i was worthy of their attention.
this kind of murky thinking grows slowly and insidiously
and feeds on itself in a slippery downward spiral
i know it intimately
the hardest work i've done in the past few years
is learn to recognise it
for what it is
once i realize what's going on
a little crack appears in the overhead gloom
and then it's 'just' a matter of consciously working
at reversing the downhill slide by whatever means necessary
for me
the epiphany
in this struggle was
suddenly learning that i had a choice in my emotional reactions
that these dank cobwebby veils of negative emotion
were hanging all around me
because i allowed them to
that is not to say
that i'm 'guilty' of causing my own murk
rather
i comprehend that i have a conscious choice
and in using that choice
there is strength
our society's brain-washing-staining includes a chronic tendency
to look at things through a lens of confrontation
life and its challenges are tackled
from the narrow perspective of
either/or
all or nothing
my way or the highway
if something's wrong, someone must be blamed
and on and on
from a wide angle perspective
i believe this approach results
in global confrontations like bosnia, belfast, et al
from a close-up perspective
i believe this approach results
in personal problems like family estrangement
i know that intimately too.
i have an inherent distaste for any kind of censorship
and would resist any attempt to restrict
my own voice
where am i going with all this?
choice - i can choose how i feel and react to circumstances and individuals
confront - all of society [including me] are conditioned to confrontation
voice - i demand the right to my own voice
if my re-actions are coloured by my negative choice
then i'm doomed to confrontation and censorship as coping techniques
if my re-actions are coloured by my positive choice
then the conditioning comes under question and voices are heard
i had a hard time
wrapping my brain around the idea
that i have a choice in how i react to things
including how i react emotionally
this helped:
~~~~~~
As novices we think we're entirely responsible for
the way people treat us
I have long since learned that we are responsible only for
the way we treat people
Rose Lane
~~~~~
i think this concept has been wonderfully demonstrated
by the incredible people on this list
in the range of re-actions posted
in regard to jeanne's message 'get a clue'
jeanne was obviously 'spilling' a lot of anger and frustration
as a 'receiver' i could have reacted with
anger
and interpreted her words as out of line and insulting
or fear
and interpreted her words as a personal attack
or acceptance
and interpreted her words as her opinion, nothing more, nothing less
or empathy
and interpreted her words as her expression of frustration
whatever
but it is my choice now
i'm not at the mercy of the tempest
no one or thing can 'make' me feel anything
my emotions are my own
i can choose to see the cup as half empty
and worry about what i don't have
or
i can choose to see the cup as half full
and enjoy what i have
it's still the same cup
but my outlook is not
i can see jeanne's or ken's or whoever's messages
as annoying or as communication
they are still the same messages but my outlook is not
i can see the volume of messages on the list
as an overwhelming burden or as generous sharing
the volume is still the same but my outlook is not
janet
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