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Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house, the following is a conversation heard last week: Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss." Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?" Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated." Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date." Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there." Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker." Bill: "Stacker?" Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done." Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way." Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs." Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?" Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system." Bill: "You're kidding!?" Contractor: "Nope. It's the only way." Bill: "<sigh Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work." Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures." Bill: "And how do I fix that?" Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you can get back to work." Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?" Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it." Bill: "And when will this be fixed?" Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..." --------------------- Subject: Personnel What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance. If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing. If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security And if they've left early, put them in Sales. --------------------------- NOTE from Barb: IF ya got this far, the next joke is a bit risqué, so if you're easily offended, ya might wanna stop here (or read on and have a laugh) --------------------------- A lady goes into the bridal shop and wants a white wedding dress made for her fourth marriage. The clerk exclaims, "You can't have a white dress for your fourth marriage!" The lady asks, "Why?" The clerk explains, "Well, white dresses are for virgins. You've been married three times before so therefore you can't possibly want a white dress..." "I can too," says the lady, "because my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My third husband was a stamp collector, GOD I MISS HIM ....."