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John..... My "credentials" first: I'm a single woman with 22 years of PD. I've dated men I've grown to care for over the years and they have cared for me - with the PRIOR knowledge of my having PD. Some of those men have had one or another types of disease - heart disease, cancer, whatever.... IF I grew to care about a man having a physical illness, I gave that serious thought BEFORE getting deeply involved with them as I expected any man interested in ME to give the same thought 'bout seeing a lady with Parkinson's. I won't go into the differences between PD and MS 'cause several other List-members have done so, and well. And I won't go into how YOUR feelings 'bout your Lady's reaction to the news of your illness, 'cause you covered that topic well, and heck... your feelings ARE your feelings and ya have a right to 'em. BUT.... please keep in mind that your Lady herself is prolly experiencing confusion and pain right now if she truly cares about you. ALSO she'll feel that if she cares about HERSELF, and she SHOULD think about and care about herself considering your news. In my opinion, she should think about HERSELF before she thinks about YOU (and this would, in my opinion, apply to ANY couple in similar circumstances). I believe in a "couples situation," partners should be permitted to have AND to express their own thoughts and fears without others (particularly their SO!) telling them they're wrong. EVEN if it's painful and might mean a painful loss, NONE of us have the right to tell someone THEY are wrong to feel whatever it is they're feeling... 'cause it is THEIR feelings... whatever the cause of those feelings. Sooooo, m'friend, I suggest you give the lady (and yourself) a break - stop ordering her to call ya or to respond in any way. She knows your address and also your phone number, and she knows the depth of your feelings for her. Give her the space and the time she so obviously needs to sort her own feelings. And also try (and I know it's hard!) to understand that this isn't YOU, personally, she's backing off from - it's the DISEASE and all that can potentially come with it. And THAT fear she certainly has a right to feel... and it's better that she think about it NOW than in the future. I hope - after some thought on the lady's part - you'll have some positive news about you relationship to share with us. Barb Mallut [log in to unmask] ---------- From: Parkinson's Information Exchange on behalf of John I Quist Sent: Wednesday, December 10, 1997 3:05 AM To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN Subject: Help comfort a panicking SO Hm, I don't really know how to handle this... You might remember that I told you about meeting a woman this past summer, and that she didn't seem to mind my being ill? Well, then we both thought it was MS, and that was OK by her. When I wrote her and said that it was PD, she broke down completely. My letter was written in a positive mood, and I really think this is better: there are pills that help against the symptoms, and a lot of research going on. But for her this was worse than MS, because her grandfather died when she was 11, and he had been very handicapped during the last years. So for her PD is something terrible! You know, it's not easy for a child to have a nuanced(?) image of an illness, no matter which... Those images often stay with us as we grow older. Stupidly, we never swapped phonenumbers, just addresses, so right now she's in Israel working, and I'm in Sweden. Only means of contact: letters. I sent her a letter this past Friday, with my number in it and an "order" to call me Collect Call as soon as she gets the letter. I enclosed a short explanation of what Parkinson's is, and a newsclipping describing a new research project that sounds promising. (I found them at www.parkinsons.org, I think) So, how am I going to make her understand that there is hope? I mean, I _do_ intend to listen to her. I will not tell her that she is stupid to be worried, because she has every right to be. Plus, if she hadn't worried, _I_ would have been a bit worried, I think.... Her worrying shows that she truly cares for me. I just hope her love is strong enough to survive this. If she leaves me I don't know what to do. Ok, I won't kill myself over it, but it would be one of the worst possible things that could happen.... To make matters worse, she hasn't written a single word to me since the desperately unhappy letter I recieved 4-5 days ago. /John.