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Hello Barbara Baichtal I thought what you said: >As a caregiver, I have noticed that MY behavior has a lot to do with how >directly people deal with Harold. made a great deal of sense and showed a lot of sensitivity. I have been wanting to write to the list about another aspect of "invisibility" which happens to many carers, and that is when a friend will go over the top (almost) in asking about the PWP - either directly or indirectly and NEVER ask "And how are YOU doing...Joy?" But it sounds sort of selfish to say that because at least we DO get noticed, most of the time. This is a much deeper sort of invisibility I am talking about. I have a few good friends whose partners have PD who always make a point of saying "And how are YOU Joy?" (I must add there is a tacit understanding between carers which makes such questions almost unnecessary.) Nevertheless, such attention can often bring tears to my eyes. Do you know what I mean? My husband is badly affected by speech problems - out of proportion to the rest of his problems. He walks and moves quite well and never shuffles, so he is not immediately obviously "disabled." In restaurants I have found that if he is not understood, I am immediately questioned --usually by eye contact - to explain on his behalf. We have a sort of unwritten agreement that if the person is not in a tremendous hurry or is the sort who is happy to wait until Bob tries again, I hang back with my mouth shut. It is rather tricky sometimes to know just when to speak on behalf of Bob. I am sure there are times when I rush in too quickly - but I do this often to stop someone "turning off" completely. This relaxes everyone all around so that Bob can begin to talk more freely - and hence begin to be able to join in the conversation. Meetings are a problem - often there is just not the time for repetition. We also have a problem in coversing with his mother who is 82 and quite deaf. She cannot understand him on the phone at all. So it seems that I do all the talking (shouting!) all the time and certainly any sustained conversation falls to me. I find this not only draining but it is sad too, because I feel that Bob is not "communicating" deeply or meaningfully with his mother at all. And I am not sure if she realises why I am doing all the talking. She and probably other relatives as well -- hey even our friends -- think that I am a dominating, overbearing, pushy wife and carer. All I am trying to do is maintain relationships for two people instead of one.... I ask him if I do the right thing and he tells me I do. I have asked him to give me a little nudge when he needs help, but so far we have not had to do this. Of course if I am physically separated - in another part of the room for instance, he has to manage by himself and usually does.... Maybe it's I who am the problem! As I have been writing Bob has come to stand behind the chair and has quietly put his hands on my shoulders. I am grateful that he at least understands how it is for me. Joy Graham (CG Bob, 58, 8+ yrs)