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The Two Fat Ladies just can't fathom canned tuna. Wednesday, March 18, 1998 The Ottawa Citizen. Jennifer Paterson and Clarissa Dickson Wright, whose Cooking With The Two Fat Ladies show is one of the surprise hits on the Food Network, have been cruising the aisles of the massive Fairway market in New York. They've cooed appreciatively at the fabulously fresh fruits and vegetables, marvelled at all the beef on the bone [only lean beef is available in their native Britain because of mad cow disease] and gone into fits of ecstasy at the live lobster tank. But on their way out, the heavy-weight duo pass a display of canned tuna. And they don't get it. Why would anyone want to take this wonderful fish, chop it up into flakes and stuff it into a small, cylindrical piece of metal? "Tuna bake, tuna bake, makes your poor old tummy ache", sings Ms. Paterson derisively. This kind of irreverence is one reason why Ms. Paterson and Ms. Wright have made an impression with American foodies. Another is their absolute disdain for what Ms. Wright calls "the cholesterol myth". In fact, watching their program often has the shocking allure of a slasher film. They love to whip up calorie-heavy pastries, fatty meat dishes, and high cholesterol veggie preparations. You can almost see viewers cringe as the ladies pile on some of their favourite ingredients: copious amounts of butter, bacon grease, lard, and clotted cream. The horror, the horror! "[Americans] like us because we're a bit irreverent about such things", says Ms. Paterson. "We like proper foods, instead of fat-free [she rolls her r's to show her contempt] and all these nasty things." "You're just brainwashed [in America]", adds Ms. Wright. "You get all these people in the media, anorexically thin, and cloned from each other. Then you get the real people, and they're not like that at all." Ms. Paterson and Ms. Wright aren't on some sort of anti-American food jihad. Truth is, Ms. Wright believes "New-wave American cuisine is probably the most exciting food revolution that's happened this century". But the Fat Ladies - so named for their no-frills tubbiness - also feel this whole healthy eating thing has gone too far. Ask Ms. Wright what's her idea of restaurant hell, and she doesn't hesitate: "Vegetarian; I'm manifestly overweight, and I eat a lot of butter and meat, and I have the cholesterol level of a two-year-old, and the blood pressure of a five-year-old." "Fat is extremely good for you", adds Ms. Paterson. "People aren't eating enough of it. It's not the animal fats that do the harm, it's the lack of vegetables and fresh fruit." Yes, they're on a mission. A crusade to restore fat and taste to the American diet. You can see their sense of purpose every time they whip up a dish like duck in honey sauce, which not only includes four fatty duck breasts, but a full stick of butter and two cups of heavy cream! Fat content? Calories? You don't want to know. But every recipe they make looks incredibly yummy. And there are tons more dishes of the same ilk in "Cooking With The Two Fat Ladies" [General Publishing $34.95], Ms. Paterson and Ms. Wright's latest enjoy-yourself-while-clogging-your-arteries tome. But make no mistake - the Two Fat Ladies are total sophisticates - both have worked as professional cooks and currently write food columns for major British publications. They know their way around everything from quail to kale. And their major obsession isn't so much about dripping bacon grease and its many uses, but good cooking. Nothing more, nothing less. Which is why the duo is so overwhelmed with Fairway. "It's wonderful", says Ms. Paterson. "It's a very good reason to cook well, with all that wonderful produce." The Fat Lady mantra goes like this: You're in America. You have fabulous access to all sorts of fresh food. There's just no reason to cook badly. Know what makes Fat Lady blood run cold? "Those recipes where they say, 'Open a can of something'," says Ms. Paterson. "Like the tuna casserole; that's something really terrible. You open a can of mushroom soup, [add] tuna, and you cover it in corn flakes and bake it." Ms. Paterson emits a shrill laugh. For her, the dreaded tuna casserole is scarier than any sequel of "Friday the 13th". by Lewis Beale New York Daily News janet paterson 51-10 / sinemet-selegiline-prozac almonte-ontario-canada / [log in to unmask]