 |
 |
From college. Poking fun at the people who are laughing all the way to the bank... Subject: Titanic > A Shorter, Harsher Titanic > > > (Scene 1) > > KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it? > > KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you > asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will > amount to nothing. > > KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they > know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat. > > LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have > seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You > are very pretty. > > KATE: Thank you. So are you. > > LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my > "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back > again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be > soaking wet. > > KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here > and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested > until the boat sinks and people start dying. > >WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though >you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat >you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be > physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience >really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one dimensional, >perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water. > > AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least > a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, > and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so > therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo > who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, > even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) > > > *** > (Scene 2) > > LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could > cheat on your fiance. > > KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a > commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot > climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. > The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the > cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably > be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the samething to me. > > AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo! > > LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of > course you have to take off your clothes. > >KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all >successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that >sort of thing? > >LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film >is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell >out. > >NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what >happened. > >KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor) > > *** > (Scene 3) > >FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg. > >CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking) > >ICEBERG: (hits boat) > >FIRST MATE: That can't be good. > >CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! > >AUDIENCE: (silence) > >FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools. > >AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo? > > *** >(Scene 4) > >LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking > >KATE: That is terrible > >LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified >behavior? > >KATE: Certainly. > >WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal >here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet >somehow-less- annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to >this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the >fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously. > > LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? > > WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save > Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway- > > AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo! > > LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. > > AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed. > > WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people. > > *** > (Scene 5) > >150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil >fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it >hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an >actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much >dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper? >I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears >hurt. You kids today,with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! >Don't you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty- Patootie! I'd turn you over my >kneee, if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come >back here! > > > (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.) > > >$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ >$-David S Rousso $ >$ Rutgers College-School of Business $ >$ Sarcasm's Mailing List $ >$ ICQ# 4929614 $ >$ $ >$ "My goal in life is rather simple... To rid the world of stupid $ >$ people, for it is the stupid that cannot comprehend Sarcasm." $ >$ $ >$ **If you would like to be on this wonderful list of mine all you have $ >$ to do is send mail to [log in to unmask] with the word $ >$ subscribe in the subject line. $ >$ ***For some strange reason if you want to get away from this happy $ >$ relationship and leave the list send to [log in to unmask] >$ with unsubscribe in the subject line. $ >$ ****All submissions should be sent to [log in to unmask] $ >$ $ >$ *****I in NO way take any credit for writing this stuff. I don't $ >$ have that much time on my hands. If per chance something is by me, $ >$ I will make you very aware of it! $ >$ $ >$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ > > > > > > >