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hi john you wrote, in part: >> [hanging on to] anger >> is like burning down the house >> to catch the mouse >> >> [paraphrased] lao tse > >This sounds like anger is a bad thing? not at all but it needs care-full examination as to its cause and care-full consideration as to its mode of expression >OK, hanging on to it forever is destructive, exactly otherwise known as 'nursing a grudge' which can also translate into bitter unforgiving which is where the self destructive aspect comes in [i.e. burning the house down] >...but *my* problem has always been that I've been >too compliant! I've always let people run me over... i know this one well - the 'mr.[ms] nice guy[gal] syndrome' we think that we will gain approval/validation by 'doing' or 'being' what others want us to 'do' or 'be' we think we need to gain approval/validation we don't need it we already have it we can't 'get it' from others we have it within us it came with the package we have simply forgotten where we put it >and finally I have been standing >there feeling like "nobody listens"... that's where the frustration comes in we can't 'make' others do anything we can't 'make' them listen to us we can't 'make' them like us no matter how much we think we want/need them to another side of that coin is nothing that others do can 'make' us feel anything we create our own emotions through our perceptions of others' actions and the meanings/baggage that we attach to them >Anger doesn't have to mean yelling and striking people! >It can also be that intense feeling of "what they are doing >to me is wrong! I will not let them do it to me!". absolutely acting in an assertive manner can result from anger or from other feelings but self-assertion is not the same thing as anger or aggression assertion is a positive act based on knowing one's 'worth' is beyond doubt aggression is a negative act based on fear that one's 'worth' is under threat >For me, it is the driving force that gives me >energy to stand up and fight when others ignore me >and my value (as well as the value of others). whew! this sounds like anger/adrenalin arising out of a perceived injustice and a desire to 'right the wrong' the trick/work is in the perception of the 'injustice' if we think about it for a bit the 'injustice' may be something else we always have a choice as animals we can act on instinct as humans we can act without thinking as mature humans we can think before acting thanks for dragging this out of me, john! i think! your cyber-sibling [who used to set records in grudge-keeping] janet janet paterson 51/10 - sinemet/selegiline/prozac almonte/ontario/canada - [log in to unmask]