Tips for Northerners moving South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain
will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of
their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive.
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'
truck" or
"big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern
influenced
dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about
it.
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who
do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car
was purchased.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can
wait until November.
22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from
the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is
logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerabley more than the
trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in
common.
In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.
25. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far
more Yankees than Southerners living there.
26. In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud
and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have
mercy", "Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to
drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper
speed and lane position for the vehicle.
28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you
already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks,
you're better off trying to find it yourself.
--
