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originally posted 97/07/14 dear syber-siblings for those who don't know me very well i use the term 'siblings' consciously and deliberately this group has great importance to me as an extended family i live on an island with a population of 55,000 [ed. note: until december 1997] and have never met another parkie [ed. note: until january 1998] let alone a support group so 'you lot' are it since october 1995 when i was privileged to join this ethereal family i have: posted daily at times posted infrequently at times lurked for months at a stretch all depending on my own circumstances and my own energy levels i deal with parkinson's disease [pd] as well as with clinical depression [cd] and at times, i think cd is the harder battle when my thinking is bright and clear my sense of self is strong my sense of humour is at its goofiest my inherent natural joy in life is in top form and my tolerance for the actions of others is at its most generous when i am caught in the Grey Cloud [GC] of Clinical Depression [CD] or other Similarly Laden Internalized Modes of Expression [SLIME!] my thinking becomes consistently negative my sense of self is muddied the joy in life doesn't exist [and never did, and never will return] there is little in this wide world and dark to laugh at and there are very few people out there [a] who are worth my attention and [b] who would ever feel i was worthy of their attention. this kind of murky thinking grows slowly and insidiously and feeds on itself in a slippery downward spiral i know it intimately the hardest work i've done in the past few years is learn to recognise it for what it is once i realize what's going on a little crack appears in the overhead gloom and then it's 'just' a matter of consciously working at reversing the downhill slide by whatever means necessary for me the epiphany in this struggle was suddenly learning that i had a choice in my emotional reactions that these dank cobwebby veils of negative emotion were hanging all around me because i allowed them to that is not to say that i'm 'guilty' of causing my own murk rather i comprehend that i have a conscious choice and in using that choice there is strength our society's brain-washing-staining includes a chronic tendency to look at things through a lens of confrontation life and its challenges are tackled from the narrow perspective of either / or all or nothing my way or the highway if something's wrong, someone must be blamed and on and on from a wide angle perspective i believe this approach results in global confrontations like bosnia, belfast, et al from a close-up perspective i believe this approach results in personal problems like family estrangement i know that intimately too. i have an inherent distaste for any kind of censorship and would resist any attempt to restrict my own voice where am i going with all this? voice - i demand the right to my own voice choice - i can choose how i feel and react to circumstances and individuals confront - all of society [including me] are conditioned to confrontation if my re-actions are coloured by my negative choice then i'm doomed to confrontation and censorship as coping techniques if my re-actions are coloured by my positive choice then the conditioning comes under question and voices are heard i had a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that i have a choice in how i react to things including how i react emotionally this helped: ***** as novices we think we're entirely responsible for the way people treat us i have long since learned that we are responsible only for the way we treat people rose lane ***** i think this concept has been wonderfully demonstrated by the incredible people on this list in the range of re-actions posted in regard to 'j's message 'get a clue' 'j' was obviously 'spilling' a lot of anger and frustration; as a 'receiver' i could have reacted with anger and interpreted her words as out of line and insulting or fear and interpreted her words as a personal attack or acceptance and interpreted her words as her opinion, nothing more, nothing less or empathy and interpreted her words as her expression of frustration whatever but it is my choice now i'm not at the mercy of the tempest no one or thing can 'make' me feel anything my emotions are my own i can choose to see the cup as half empty and worry about what i don't have or i can choose to see the cup as half full and enjoy what i have it's still the same cup but my outlook is not i can see 'j's or 'k's or whoever's messages as annoying or as communication they are still the same messages but my outlook is not i can see the volume of messages on the list as an overwhelming burden or as generous sharing the volume is still the same but my outlook is not janet janet paterson aka calendar control supervisor 51/10 - sinemet/selegiline/prozac - [log in to unmask] quotations: http://newww.com/cgi-bin/do_cal?c:newvoice pwp event calendar: http://newww.com/cgi-bin/do_cal?c:pwpc