Dear Gail:
Accepting the unacceptable in your life is a process that takes exactly
as long as the individual needs - not more or less time than whatever is
necessary for the individual to work through the stages of grieving and
acceptance, and then to work through them all again and again. Your sister
has to come to terms with this in her own way. The process of acceptance
may often seem like one step forward, two steps back, but whatever it is, it
is her process. There will be some denial, some grieving, some anger, some
bargaining, and then acceptance of whatever is possible for her to accept at
that time. She may seem "stuck" at any point along the passage, but she is
actually moving. Then the process will begin again.
In accepting the unacceptable (and this could be anything from the loss
of a job to the death of a child, to the diagnosis of Parkinson's) we feel a
lot of unacceptable feelings:
fear of the future, shame for having done this to our families, a
questioning of our faith in a loving creator - lots of things we don't ever
want to feel. A lot of these feelings are buried deeply and only patience
and unconditional love will enable them to come to the surface.
Your concern for your sister is admirable. She really needs the love
and support of family members. Creating a safe, patient and loving "nest"
for her will do much to help her build bridges of confidence over the
despair she may be feeling. But essentially she has to take the lead in
deciding what kind of help she needs, or wants at this and at any other
time. She has the net, she has you. She knows where to go for support if
she wants to, but she herself must decide for herself whether she wants to
go there or not.
One of the biggest challenges she is facing is the loss of control, an
overwhelming sense of helplessness over things such as health, dreams, plans
which non chronic sufferers take for granted. You can help her greatly by
reinforcing the areas over which she still has control. Deciding what kind
of support she wants or needs, is one of those areas. If you push her to a
support group when she does not want to go, you are taking away one of the
few things she can still control - who she shares herself with, when and
why.
Your sister has Parkinson's Disease. This has impacted on your life
through your love and concern for her. You are facing a sense of
helplessness of your own which you have to come to terms with. You have
suffering of your own to do in this situation. Because you love her, there
will be times when the most you can do for her is stay with her, sit with
her, while she expresses her suffering. This is an incredibly difficult
task. If you focus on expanding your own capacity to experience
helplessness and the suffering that accompanies love, then you will be of
great help to her indeed.
-----Original Message-----
From: Gail Vass <[log in to unmask]>
To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Sunday, June 07, 1998 3:17 PM
Subject: My sister puzzles me
>Hey folks,
>
>My sister Edna Earle 50/2 is a new parkie. Trying to get her
>to attend support group meetings is like trying to keep a two
>year old in the seat during church services. But we are members
>of the Northern Virginia PD Support Group and the Young Parkinson
>Support Group in Bethesda, Md. I have to bribe her to get her to
>go to the meetings with me.
>
>She responds to no Udall memos I email her....
>
>She's new to the internet but hasn't asked how to sign on
>to the list...but I know she reads what I clip and send her.
>
>This is puzzling to me...Gail Vass (the younger sister 49 :-)
>
