You said it all, Rager. And perfectly. Thanks so much.... Barb Mallut [log in to unmask] ---------- From: Parkinson's Information Exchange on behalf of Rager Sent: Sunday, June 07, 1998 4:28 PM To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN Subject: Re: My sister puzzles me Dear Gail: Accepting the unacceptable in your life is a process that takes exactly as long as the individual needs - not more or less time than whatever is necessary for the individual to work through the stages of grieving and acceptance, and then to work through them all again and again. Your sister has to come to terms with this in her own way. The process of acceptance may often seem like one step forward, two steps back, but whatever it is, it is her process. There will be some denial, some grieving, some anger, some bargaining, and then acceptance of whatever is possible for her to accept at that time. She may seem "stuck" at any point along the passage, but she is actually moving. Then the process will begin again. In accepting the unacceptable (and this could be anything from the loss of a job to the death of a child, to the diagnosis of Parkinson's) we feel a lot of unacceptable feelings: fear of the future, shame for having done this to our families, a questioning of our faith in a loving creator - lots of things we don't ever want to feel. A lot of these feelings are buried deeply and only patience and unconditional love will enable them to come to the surface. Your concern for your sister is admirable. She really needs the love and support of family members. Creating a safe, patient and loving "nest" for her will do much to help her build bridges of confidence over the despair she may be feeling. But essentially she has to take the lead in deciding what kind of help she needs, or wants at this and at any other time. She has the net, she has you. She knows where to go for support if she wants to, but she herself must decide for herself whether she wants to go there or not. One of the biggest challenges she is facing is the loss of control, an overwhelming sense of helplessness over things such as health, dreams, plans which non chronic sufferers take for granted. You can help her greatly by reinforcing the areas over which she still has control. Deciding what kind of support she wants or needs, is one of those areas. If you push her to a support group when she does not want to go, you are taking away one of the few things she can still control - who she shares herself with, when and why. Your sister has Parkinson's Disease. This has impacted on your life through your love and concern for her. You are facing a sense of helplessness of your own which you have to come to terms with. You have suffering of your own to do in this situation. Because you love her, there will be times when the most you can do for her is stay with her, sit with her, while she expresses her suffering. This is an incredibly difficult task. If you focus on expanding your own capacity to experience helplessness and the suffering that accompanies love, then you will be of great help to her indeed. -----Original Message----- From: Gail Vass <[log in to unmask]> To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN <[log in to unmask]> Date: Sunday, June 07, 1998 3:17 PM Subject: My sister puzzles me >Hey folks, > >My sister Edna Earle 50/2 is a new parkie. Trying to get her >to attend support group meetings is like trying to keep a two >year old in the seat during church services. But we are members >of the Northern Virginia PD Support Group and the Young Parkinson >Support Group in Bethesda, Md. I have to bribe her to get her to >go to the meetings with me. > >She responds to no Udall memos I email her.... > >She's new to the internet but hasn't asked how to sign on >to the list...but I know she reads what I clip and send her. > >This is puzzling to me...Gail Vass (the younger sister 49 :-) >