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Some good engineer jokes toward the end. -----Original Message----- Subject: Monday Morning Funnies >> > IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD... >> > >> > ...Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams. >> > >> > ...PMS would be a legitimate defense in court. >> > >> > ...Men would get reputations for sleeping around. >> > >> > ...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding >> > wedding >> > rings in their pockets. >> > >> > ...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because >> > he is >> > breathing. >> > >> > ...Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard >> > would >> > increase by 40 pounds. >> > >> > ...Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity. >> > >> > ..."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring >> > scantily >> > clad male models. >> > >> > ...Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard >> > for >> > none of the credit. >> > >> > ...Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks" >> > >> > ...Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made. >> > >> > ...Men would bring drinks, chips, and dip to women watching soap >> > operas. >> > >> > ...Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there >> would >> > be >> > no pictures. >> > >> > ...Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "I love you," "You're >> > beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit." >> > >> > ...Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their >> > accomplishments. >> > >> > ...Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. >> > >> > ...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car. >> > >> > ...All toilet seats would be nailed down. >> > >> > ...Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their >> > careers. >> > >> > ...TV news segments on sports would never run longer than one >> minute. >> > >> > ...All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator. >> > >> > ...During mid-life crisis, men would get hot flashes and women would >> > date >> > 19-year-olds. >> > >> > ...After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave >> to >> > wait >> > on their wives hand and foot. >> > >> > ...For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a >> > two-year-old >> > for six weeks >> > >> > I > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > >> > A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, >> > multicolored >> > hair that's green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered >> mix >> > of >> > leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire >> > face and >> > body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, >> bright >> > >> > feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from >> > an old >> > man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. >> > >> > Finally, the punk gets self conscious and barks at the old man: >> "What >> > are >> > you looking at you old fart......didn't you ever do anything wild >> when >> > you >> > were young?" >> > >> > Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was >> > young >> > and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore, and had >> > sex >> > with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son. >> > >> > I >> >> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >> > >> > Comprehending Engineers --Take One >> > ************************************************* >> > >> > A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a I >> > particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's >> with >> > these >> > guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed >> > in, "I >> > don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, >> > "Hey, >> > here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." >> > >> > [dramatic pause] >> > >> > "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather >> > slow, >> > aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of >> > blind >> > firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a >> fire >> > last >> > year, so we always let them play for free anytime." >> > >> > The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. >> > I >> > think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor >> said, >> > >> > "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and >> see >> > if >> > there's anything he can do for them." >> > >> > The engineer thought for a second and said, "Why can't these guys >> play >> > at >> > night?" >> > >> > >> > Comprehending Engineers-Take Five >> > *********************************************** >> > >> > What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil >> > Engineers? >> > Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets. >> > >> > >> > Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight >> > ************************************************ >> > >> > Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the >> > possible >> > designers of the human body. >> > One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the >> > joints.'' >> > Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous >> > systems >> > many thousands of electrical connections.'' >> > The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would >> run >> > a >> > toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?'' >> > >> > >> > Comprehending Engineers-Take Thirteen >> > **************************************************** >> > >> > An engineering student was walking across campus when another >> engineer >> > >> > rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. >> > "Where did you get such a rockin' bike?"asked the first. >> > The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday >> > minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. >> > She >> > threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said >> 'Take >> > what >> > you want.'" >> > The first engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice! The clothes >> > probably wouldn't have fit." >> > >> > >> > >> > >> > <<RFC822.TXT>> <<Forward.txt>> >> >>