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The next stories REALLY happened!!.................Yeah, REALLY!! The originals were send to me by Nancy Vanhook. Thanks, Nancy!!!! I took the liberty of changing the originals.....a little! To protect the privacy of the people involved, their names were changed! Any resemblence to events or people you know are JUST coincidental.....! * * * * * * * * * KEN, BARB AND HANS * * * * * * * * * Ken, Barb, and Hans were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota and were becoming desperate having run out of food several days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, their situation was looking very bleak. When Ken dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an old lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came out. The genie says: "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and I can grant each of you vun vish." Ken says: "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ken was gone. Barb quickly says: "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ken." Poof, Barb was gone. Hans was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says: "Hans, vat is your vish?" and Hans says: "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ken and Barb were back here with me". * * * Hans was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Ken's house and saw a sign that said "Boat For Sale." This confused Hans because he knew that Ken didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Ken about it. "Hey Ken," said Hans, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your ol John Deere tractor and combine." Ken replied: "Yup, and they're boat for sale." * * * Ken got a new truck ya know. So he called up Hans and says: "Hans, I got me a new truck! Do ya vant to go ice fishin' vit me?" "Sure!" says Hans. So Hans went with Ken (and Barb came along too cuz' she was doin' nuttin anyway). So Ken and Barb sat in the front of the truck and Hans sat in the back. Then they were on the ice when all of a sudden the truck went right through the ice! So even though Ken and Barb are pretty big people they managed to get out of the truck, and they were waiting for Hans at the top when he finally popped up. Ken says: "Hans vat took you so long?" "Vell", says Hans, "It took me a while to figure out how to open da tail gate." * * * One day Ken went in to see his doctor. Ken says: "Doc, I just don't know vat to do. Barb and me, vell, our sex life just ain't going dat vell." The doctor says: "Ken, all you need is some exercise. I want you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week and let me know how you're doing." So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A voice on the other end says: "Doc, dis is Ken." The doctor says: "Hello Ken. Have you been walking ten miles every day?" Ken says: "Yes." The doctor asks: "And has your sexlife improved?" Ken replies: "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy miles avay from home!" * * * Ken was fishing with Hans in a rented boat. They could not catch a thing. Ken said: "Let's go a vit furder down stream." So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had their limit so they went home. On the way home Hans said: "I marked de spot right in de middle of de boat Ken." "You stupid," said Ken, "How do you know ve vill get da same boat next time!" * * * Ken and Barb were laying in bed one night when the phone rang. Ken answered it and Barb heard him yell: "Vell, how da hell should I know. Dats over 2,000 miles away." And he hung up. Barb says: "Who was dat Ken?" Ken says: "Hell if I know. Some weirdo wants ta know if da coast is clear." * * * Barb passed away and Ken called 911. The 911 operator told Ken that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Ken replied: "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked: "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Ken said: "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?" * * * Ken and Barb's bull took sick and died, so they needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Ken had to get the crops in and couldn't leave the farm, so Barb took the train to the city to buy a bull. If she was successful, she would take the train back to the farm, then she and Ken would go to town with the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull. The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and Barb found herself bidding on the last remaining bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but she was finally the successful bidder. Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents. "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an exception just vunce?" pled Barb. "Sorry lady," he replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to tell him your problem. The office is just down the street." At the Telegraph office, Barb asked: "Mister, how many vords can I send to my husband for a dime?" "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered. Barb pondered her dilemma then finally said: "OK, here's da message": "COMFORTABLE". * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *