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A group of time ago I shared the wonderfulness of my own experience with clinical depression (CD). A lesser group of time ago, I shared a follow up message. I received some questions in response to my follow up and am finally getting back to answer them. The "getting back" is literal since I was on a multi-week business trip justa training folks and planning up a storm. I will answer the questions as completely as I can. It's easier because to do so I'm going into my Lord of the Flies mode, sitting here in my very own cave, safe in the knowledge that only a very few of you know the actual me and you already know some of the things I will share. My responses follow each question which is preceded by a > character. >jeff, would you mind sharing a bit more of the process you went through >to get from your first message to this one? > >e.g. >how long have you been on medication? I started Paxil, one day 40mg (WAY TOO MUCH) followed by a drop to 10mg for 10 days and then up to 20mg once a day. I am still at 20mg once a day. I began the Paxil the day I was diagnosed with CD. That was the end of April. I received conflicting information relating to how long it would take to work; anywhere from 10 days to 6 weeks. I didn't know what to expect or what the medicine would do so it was difficult to determine if it was working. The one statement I received in this area was that I wouldn't cry any more for no discernable reason. Big deal! I was more concerned with setting aside the thoughts of suicide than I was about crying. I had, for a lotta years, found that I would cry for no reason and was, maybe, comfortable with it. I remember one day, crying, crying out to God, in the midst of an anxiety attack when I paced through my home with a knife in my hand with the intent of cutting my throat. Then, I realized that I didn't know where the jugular vein was so I had to stop pacing long enough to find a picture of the neck on the Internet. It was these sorts of thoughts I wanted to set aside. About 4 weeks after beginning the Paxil I was dealing with fewer suicidal thoughts. By that time the medicine was approximately 80% effective. Until the medicine worked, I desperately attempted to focus on good things that were pure, honest, and pleasing to my own self. The mind can only dwell on one thing at a time so I wanted it filled with positives. At the doctor's direction, I will continue to take the Paxil for a minimum of a year. >did you have any side effects from the meds? Yes. With my Lord of the Flies mask firmly on, I did. I had one that I'm aware of and I was a sexual dysfunction. I couldn't ejaculate. Actually, I had mixed feelings about it because it was depressing to think that I wouldn't finish for a whole year, but on the other hand, I stayed hard a lot longer. The doctor recommended that I take gingko biloba to combat this side affect. It works. Hooray!! I have observed that I sorta like sex. >how often did/do you see your therapist? I saw my therapist weekly for 8 to 10 weeks. He was *very* practical and gave specific suggestions that I could follow. Had he just sat there saying "Hmmmmmm" and nodding his saw dust filled head I woulda found someone else. 'Course, my very own therapist's head wasn't filled with saw dust because his different perspective helped me immeasurably. After the first session, I took a note pad and took notes. At the end of each session I would read my notes to him to be sure that I had captured his intent correctly. He said that I took better notes than he did. He seemed surprised when, at about the eighth session, I was doing all the things I needed to to get better and that I should wean myself off the sessions. I don't see him any more but can should I decide to. >how did you locate him/her? He was a referral by my health provider. The first session, I actually interviewed him. I wanted to be sure that he would be more useful than a screen door on a submarine. I had had a poor experience with a different counselor years earlier when, upon coming home from work, I discovered that my then-wife needed to find herself and her self didn't include our son or me. I told the counselor what I thought of her and he preceded to tell me that I was wrong. Therefore, I asked the CD therapist what he would say if I said something like that, having shared the incident. He said that the other guy was wrong. I had looked on the Internet and found a page about choosing a therapist and used questions I found there to determine if my therapist would be right for me. He was. The bottom line is that all us people are different so if a therapist isn't working, change!! >perceiving cd's existence may be difficult This is absolutely true. I discovered this very week that when battling CD you're fighting a war, not a single battle! This week,as a result of an event that was outside my control, those negative thoughts came creeping in. They are absolutely insidious. Near the end of the week, one of my 3 musketeers (dear Internet friends that supported my own self throughout this experience) pointed out that CD is a war and not a battle. That helped me realize that I needed to be on guard constantly. I'm better today than Thursday. Whew...... I still exercise almost daily, take yoga classes, practice the violin, ride my bicycle, ride my Harley, eating right, and am still meeting new people. These are the things I need to do to wage the battle. I am winning. Please, don't hesitate to send me questions about anything I've said. If you haven't seen the earlier message and you'd like to, let me know and I can send them to you. You can also feel free to flame my own self as a result of the specific description of the side affects but I warn you, **VERY** rarely do I get bothered by flames because I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior. I shared all this wonderfulness solely to help others. BTW, one of the things I found when I looked at my own self throughout all this growth was the fact that, inherent in me, is the desire to help others. Were I not me, I'd like me for a friend. I'm pretty cool (he says humbly). The reality is that I am unique, just like everybody else, so my experience probably wouldn't be yours. However, with CD, there are areas that are fairly common so the experiences of others who have climbed out of the morass of CD absolutely can help you. DON'T HESITATE TO ASK FOR HELP!!!!! Jeff Jones [log in to unmask]