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>Subject: Hades restructures. > > > >Business news: 13 October 1998 > >CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL--After nearly four years of construction >at an estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the >new tenth circle of Hell, finally opened its doors Monday. > >The US West-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the >former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is >expected to greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have >plagued the infernal underworld in recent years. The circle is >the first added to Hell in its countless-millennia history. > >"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years >necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson >Antedeus said. "The traditional nine-tiered system had grown >insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of >Hellbound." Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was >the fact that a majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far >more evil than the original nine circles were equipped to handle. > >"Demographers, advertising executives, tobacco lobbyists, >monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and >creators of office-based sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a >wave of spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has >never before seen," Antedeus said. > >Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable >resistance, largely due to the considerable costs of insuring >construction projects within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also >came from Hell purists concerned about the detrimental effect a >tenth level would have on the intricate numerology of Hell's >meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1994, however, >funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between US West >CEO Sol Trujillo and Satan himself. > >Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new >wave of sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and >Squanderers, Sowers of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent >Against Art, and Hypocrites. Hell authorities, however, say that >the new level, the Circle of Total Bastards, located at the site >of the former Well of Giants just above the Frozen Lake at Hell's >center, better suits their insidious brand of evil. > >Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most >vocal supporters of the new circle. > >"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new >breed of sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group >coordinators, telemarketing sales representatives, and vast >hordes of pony-tailed entertainment-industry executives >rollerblading and talking on miniaturized cell-phones at the same >time. But now, we've finally got the sort of top-notch Pits of >Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the quality >boilings they deserve." > >Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax >added, "We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new >forms of torture and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the- >art facilities will make possible." > >Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards >boasts: the Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Vertigo of Re- >Engineering, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In Keychains, >and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping >Network Products. > >The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned TV- >exercise-show personalities, clad in skintight Spandex outfits >soaked in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for >centuries on end, covered in vomit and prodded with the distended >ribs of skeletal, anorexic demons, accompanied by an unending, >ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version of the 1988 Rick Astley >hit "Together Forever." > >In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf >clubs of uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole >for eternity, withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse >from their former subservients as crows descend from trees to >peck at their eyes. In one of the deepest and most profane >portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are committed with mail- >order catalogs. > >"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame- >blackened shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't >know what to do with me. They put me in with those condemned to >walk backwards with their heads turned all the way around on >their necks, for the crime of attempting to see the future. But >then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right people, and in >no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first >circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But >before long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to >the realm of Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for goddamn >mercy ever since." > >His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer >said: "It's hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't >get any decent risotto, and the suit I have to wear is a cheap >Brooks Brothers knockoff. I'm beeped every 30 seconds, and >there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm being boiled upside >down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet. If I >could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could >contact some well-placed associates and work something out, but >it's just out of my grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly >blinking the message, `Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner >Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'" He then resumed screaming >in agony. > >Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and >supervisor in charge of admissions for the new circle, said >Hell's future looks bright, thanks to the new circle. "Things are >definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better >equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities >humanity has to offer." > >"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an >exciting time to be in Hell." > > > >