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hi all i've been thinking and mulling and thinking about the current discussions in re anger and acceptance i hope these contribute something positive. A. this is from 'emotional intelligence' by daniel goleman: "Anger is the mood most people are worst at controlling. Indeed, anger is = the most seductive of the negative emotions; the self-righteous inner monologu= e that propels it along fills the mind with the most convincing arguments fo= r venting rage. "Unlike sadness, anger is energising, even exhilarating. Anger's seductive= , persuasive power may in itself explain why some views about it are so comm= on: that anger is uncontrollable, or that, at any rate, it should not be controlled, and that venting anger in 'catharsis' is all to the good. .. "But a careful reading of research findings suggests that all these common attitudes toward anger are misguided, if not outright myths." B. this is from 'feeling good' by dr. david d. burns: "Traditionally psychotherapists [and the general public] have conceptualiz= ed two primary ways to deal with anger: [a] anger turned 'inward'; or [b] ang= er turned 'outward'. "The former solutions is felt to be the 'sick' one - you internalize your aggression and absorb resentment like a sponge. Ulimately it corrodes you = and leads to guilt and depression. Early psychoanalysts such as Freud felt tha= t internalized anger was the cause of depression. Unfortunately, there is no convincing evidence in support of this notion. "The second solution is said to be the 'healthy' one - you express your an= ger, and as you ventilate your feelings, you presumably feel better. The proble= m with this simplistic approach is that it doesn't work very well. If you go around ventilating all your anger, people will soon regard you as loony. A= nd at the same time you aren't learning how to deal with people in society without getting angry. The cognitive solution transcends both of these. You have a third option: = Srop creating your anger. You don't have to choose between holding it in or let= ting it our because it won't exist." C. this is from my web page: http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/anger.htm ------------------------------------------------------------ anger =A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0 98/02/18 ------------------------------------------------------------ hi sibling! you wrote, in part: >> [hanging on to] anger >> is like burning down the house >> to catch the mouse >> >>=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 [paraphrased] lao tse > >This sounds like anger is a bad thing? not at all but it needs care-full examination as to its cause and care-full consideration as to its mode of expression >OK, hanging on to it forever is destructive, exactly otherwise known as 'nursing a grudge' which can also translate into bitter unforgiving which is where the self destructive aspect comes in [i.e. burning the house down] >...but *my* problem has always been that I've been >too compliant! I've always let people run me over... i know this one well - the 'mr.[ms] nice guy[gal] syndrome' we think that we will gain approval/validation by 'doing' or 'being' what others want us to 'do' or 'be' we think we need to gain approval/validation we don't need it we already have it we can't 'get it' from others we have it within us it came with the package we have simply forgotten where we put it >and finally I have been standing >there feeling like "nobody listens"... that's where the frustration comes in we can't 'make' others do anything we can't 'make' them listen to us we can't 'make' them like us no matter how much we think we want/need them to another side of that coin is nothing that others do can 'make' us feel anything we create our own emotions through our perceptions of others' actions and the meanings/baggage that we attach to them >Anger doesn't have to mean yelling and striking people! >It can also be that intense feeling of "what they are doing >to me is wrong! I will not let them do it to me!". absolutely acting in an assertive manner can result from anger or from other feelings but self-assertion is not the same thing as anger or aggression assertion is a positive act based on knowing one's 'worth' is beyond doubt aggression is a negative act based on fear that one's 'worth' is under threat >For me, it is the driving force that gives me >energy to stand up and fight when others ignore me >and my value (as well as the value of others). whew! this sounds like anger/adrenalin arising out of a perceived injustice and a desire to 'right the wrong' the trick/work is in the perception of the 'injustice' if we think about it for a bit the 'injustice' may be something else we always have a choice as animals we can act on instinct as humans we can act without thinking as mature humans we can think before acting thanks for dragging this out of me, sibling i think! your cyber-sibling [who used to set records in grudge-keeping] janet ------------------------------------------------------------ D. and this is from another of my web-pages: http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/accept.htm ------------------------------------------------------------ "acceptance" re-evaluated =A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0=A0 =A0 98/03= /02 ------------------------------------------------------------ hi all i just realized that i have been using the term "acceptance" incorrectly in several on-line conversations with many of you e.g. the most recent being in a reply to the 'early morning musings' message: >anger / denial / bargaining / acceptance >are the stages we all go through >in dealing with any >perceived loss my not-close-enough pals, Roget and his Thesaurus, tell me that the primary synonyms of the verb 'accept' are: 1. receive, take, allow, admit 2. accede to, agree to, acknowledge, recognize 3. assume, undertake, take on 4. reconcile oneself to, suffer, endure*** in my use of the term 'acceptance' i had intended none of the negative shadings of no.4. and have concluded that a better term to properly reflect my meaning is: 'recognize': 1. identify, recall 2. acknowledge, perceive, accept, own*** 3. approve, sanction 4. honour, salute no. 2 above is the meaning i had intended and is quite different from what may have been interpreted whew! isn't the english language a challenge?! my re-evaluation resulted from a friend telling me this: >>acceptance is also saying we can't do better. >>ever. my reply in part was: =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D that's not what i mean by 'acceptance' at all at all... i don't mean the negative connotations attached to acceptance =3D suffer, endure, resign oneself to i.e. give in and roll over and play dead i mean accept =3D recognize =3D be aware of, own, perceive i.e. face the facts as they are today since today is all we really have to work with and do the best you can with what you have rather than be-moaning what you don't have i certainly don't mean that all hope is lost not at all and yes we can always do better but we have to be flexible enough to see that new methods/priorities might be called for under new circumstances the pre-pd 'you' no longer exists... [just as the teenager 'you' no longer exists] accepting your reality today does not preclude possible changes in conditions in the future sorta like getting upset and depressed about getting older why waste the energy?... nothing is carved in stone none of us know what is coming sorry this is so long, siblings, but i felt it was a pretty basic misunderstanding that i wanted and needed to correct your cyber-sis in synonym-land janet who we are is where we have been ------------------------------------------------------------ janet paterson - 51/41/37 - almonte/ontario/canada http://www.newcountry.nu/pd/members/janet/ [log in to unmask]