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> > Subject: UPDATED RETIREMENT PLAN > > > > As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for > > departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our > > number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees > > will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting > > the retention of the younger people who > > represent our future plans. Therefore, a program to > > phase out older personnel by the end of the current > > fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect > > immediately. This program will be known as RAPE > > (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are > > RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other > > jobs outside the company. Provided that they are RAPED, > > they can request a review of their employment records > > before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the > > operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of > > Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been > > RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper > > management. This phase is called SHAFT (Study by Higher > > Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the > > new policy, an employee may be RAPED once, SCREWED > > twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company > > deems appropriate. If the employee follows the above > > procedures, he or she will be entitled to get HERPES > > (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early > > Severance) or CLAP (Combined lump-Sum Assistance > > Payment), unless her or she already has AIDS (Additional > > Income from Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP > > are considered benefit plans, any employee who has > > received HERPES and CLAP will no longer be RAPED or > > SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure > > the younger employees who remain on board that the > > company will continue its policy to assure that employees > > are well trained through our Special High Intensity > > Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount > > of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our > > employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. > > If any employee feels that he or she does not receive > > enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. > > Your supervisor is especially trained to make sure that > > you receive all the SHIT that you can possibly need. > > ------------------------------- > >