 |
 |
I was going through some old papers and I came across this poem I wrote years ago. Thought I'd share it. Bill Tough Question There it is, the question I've been dreading the words echo in their fawn eyes silence hangs between us like a veiled threat they want, they need an answer I just got home from the hospital after being treated for depression so black, so bleak suicide had seemed a viable solution now my two sons were asking "Dad, will you be alright?" I had anticipated this situation since awakening in intensive care connected to ruthless machines with no conscience I think of trying a flippant "Define alright" to stall for time, or better yet, avoid the question but I sense a determined set in their chins and I admire their courage my heart bursts with pride yet aches at the loss of the father I used to be with Parkinson's, promises die a lingering death are they asking, will I try to kill myself again? I don't think so the taste of the anti-depressants I take each night brings back the humiliating horror of the night I took so many are they asking, will things between us ever be the same? I don't think so I have to learn to live within my limitations I can no longer coach their teams take them fishing play hours of badminton are they asking, will I get better? I don't think so there is no magical cure in my near future the disease has robbed me of the wonderful period of fatherhood where you are invincible, an idol my human frailties are all too clear yet knowing how monstrous lies plague children's lives I smile and tell a lie that God will understand "Yes, I'll be fine, I just need a little rest" one day this lie may be the final blow to my credibility but my wife, who has an uncanny link with their emotions hovers around the edge of the conversation and smiles her support the boys' smiles don't quite reach their eyes as they leave the words twisted by the tool of my tongue leave a dead ashen taste in my mouth as symptoms worsen and I can't hide the pain will they feel betrayed, seeing me suffer? on the other hand, only He knows his plans for tomorrow so why not make the best I can of my time now? I am not sure if we all journey to our deaths or death journeys to us but maybe one of us will get lost or if I keep smiling maybe he won't recognize me! Bill Harrington