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> > > << >> ============== > >>> Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel > >>> miserable. > >>> Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you? > >>> Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed." > >>> ============= > >> > >> > >>> An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his > >>> paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the > >>> owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your > >>> work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death." > >>> "When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." > >>> "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. > >>> "What's the bad news?" > >>> "The guy was your doctor..." > >>> =============== > >>> After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his > >>> wife a little gift. How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics > >>> clerk. > >>> She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tom, > >>> so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. > >>> "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused. Growing, disgusted, the clerk > >>> brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. > >>> "What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap." > >>> So the clerk handed him a mirror. > >>> ================== > >>> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, > >>> including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the Kindergarten > class, > >>seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of > one > >>of Adam's ribs. > >>> Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were > >>> ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" > >>> Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going > >>> to have a wife." > >>> ============ > >>> A woman is in a gambling casino. At the roulette she says, "I have no > >>> idea what number to play." > >>> > >>> A man near-by suggests she play her age. She puts her money on number > >>> 35. > >>> The wheel is spun and 43 comes up. The woman faints. > >>> ========= > >>> Two Kentucky hillbillies approach each other on a country road. > >>> One is carrying a sack over his shoulder. > >>> "Hey, Billy Bob," calls out to the other, "What you got in that sack?" > >>> "Some chickens." > >>> "If I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one of them?" > >>> "Hell, Joe Bob, if you guess how many chickens I got in > >>> the sack, I'll give you *both* of them." > >>> "Okay. Er... Five?" > >>> =============== > >> > >>> A woman was applying for the renewal of her driver's license. > >>> She was asked by the inspector, "Have you ever been adjudged insane or > >>> feeble-minded? He paused and smiled, adding, "That is, by anyone other > >>> than your own children?" > >>> ============= > >>> I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then > >>> she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, > >>> and a bartender. > >>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >>> It took many hours, but they removed ALL of Tammy Faye Baker's make > >>> up,... > >>> and do you know what they found? > >>> Jimmy Hoffa > >>> ~~~ > >>> I find it curious that there are many individuals whose surname is > >>> Brown, Green, White, Black, Gray or Gold, but there are virtually none > whose > >>> surname is Red, Orange, Yellow, Purple or Pink... I wonder why that is. > >>> ~~~ > >>> Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, > >>> "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze > >>> 'em"? > >>> ~~~ > >>> I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it. > >>> ~~~ > >>> QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of > >>> the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for > >>> college. > >>> ~~~ > >>> I've just changed brokers - from stock to pawn. > >>> ~~~ > >>> Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out. > >>> ~~~ > >>> An ulcer is what you get mountain climbing over molehills. > >>> ~~~ > >>> "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said > >>> 'Who's speaking please?' > >>> And a voice said 'You are.'" > >>> ~~~ > >>> "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local > >>> swimming baths?' > >>> He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" > >>> ~~~ > >>> If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed... > >>> ... Oh, wait a minute, he already does. > >>> ~~~ > >>~ > >>> I put my contacts on inside out this morning. I had the feeling > >>> somebody was watching me all day long. > >>> ~~~ > >>> An unemployed court jester is no one's fool. > >>> ~~~ > >>> I kiss my money goodbye so often that my credit cards are getting > >>> jealous. > >>> ~~~ > >>> Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. > >>> ~~~~ > >>> > >>> Q. What two, 4-letter words do men hate? > >>> A. Don't and stop, unless used together _________________________________________________________ DO YOU YAHOO!? Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com