I was sent the following. Enjoy and see the humour in it.
Gerrit Kleynscheldt
Tel: +27 21 947 8918 (Local 021 947 8918)
Fax: +27 21 947 1521 (Local 021 947 1521)
Please note the following:
Because e-mail can be altered electronically,
the integrity of this communication cannot be guaranteed.
A transcript of the new telephone answering service recently
installed at a Mental Health Institute..
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. We would like to
help you and ask you to please follow the following instructions:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. We will
send someone for you.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to
the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will
give you further instructions.
If you are a manic-depressive, press any number. No-one will
answer. No-one will help you. It is no good. What is the purpose anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969. Tree thimes.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key
until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully
press 020.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are
too busy to talk to you.
If you have Parkinsons ...(suggestions?)
