hi stacey and al; this is the part of a group of messages which i have sent to several people privately on request in the past i put this one together for stacey and was going to send it to her privately as well but then i thought, "nope; this one's for sharing" it's sort of deja-vu all over again, no? janet ------------------------------------------------------- Subj: cyber-siblings-on-the-move Date: 14 july 1998 From: [log in to unmask] ------------------------------------------------------- hi sibling! this is the first of five messages with info in re cd [clinical depression] you are probably wondering why would i write all of this to a 'stranger'? simple you are not a stranger at all anyone who is in clinical depression is my sibling-in-slime [!] always has been always will be if i can get through it so can you but you cannot do it by yourself that's why i want you to read all the other pages i've sent your emotional and rational perceptions have been been distorted by an imbalance in your brain chemistry [cd] just as your physical motor responses have been affected by an imbalance in your brain chemistry [pd] trying to consider your situation rationally now with your thought processes distorted as they are is impossible so you'll just have to trust me on this one and start reading why should you trust me? for the same reason i'm sending all this to you anyone who is in clinical depression is my sibling-in-slime always has been always will be with much love for you and yours your cyber-sis janet ------------------------------------------------------- Subj: CD: perceptions Date: 14 july 1997 ------------------------------------------------------- dear cyber-siblings for those who don't know me very well i use the term 'siblings' consciously and deliberately this group has great importance to me as an extended family i live on an island with a population of 55,000 [until december 1997] and have never met another parkie [until january 1998] let alone a support group so 'you lot' are it since october 1995 when i was privileged to join this ethereal family i have: posted daily at times posted infrequently at times lurked for months at a stretch all depending on my own circumstances and my own energy levels i deal with parkinson's disease [pd] as well as with clinical depression [cd] and at times, i think cd is the harder battle when my thinking is bright and clear my sense of self is strong my sense of humour is at its goofiest my inherent natural joy in life is in top form and my tolerance for the actions of others is at its most generous when i am caught in the Grey Cloud [GC] of Clinical Depression [CD] or other Similarly Laden Internalized Modes of Expression [SLIME!] my thinking becomes consistently negative my sense of self is muddied the joy in life doesn't exist [and never did, and never will return] there is little in this wide world and dark to laugh at and there are very few people out there [a] who are worth my attention and [b] who would ever feel i was worthy of their attention. this kind of murky thinking grows slowly and insidiously and feeds on itself in a slippery downward spiral i know it intimately the hardest work i've done in the past few years is learn to recognise it for what it is once i realize what's going on a little crack appears in the overhead gloom and then it's 'just' a matter of consciously working at reversing the downhill slide by whatever means necessary for me the epiphany in this struggle was suddenly learning that i had a choice in my emotional reactions that these dank cobwebby veils of negative emotion were hanging all around me because i allowed them to that is not to say that i'm 'guilty' of causing my own murk rather i comprehend that i have a conscious choice and in using that choice there is strength our society's brain-washing-staining includes a chronic tendency to look at things through a lens of confrontation life and its challenges are tackled from the narrow perspective of either / or all or nothing my way or the highway if something's wrong, someone must be blamed and on and on from a wide angle perspective i believe this approach results in global confrontations like bosnia, belfast, et al from a close-up perspective i believe this approach results in personal problems like family estrangement i know that intimately too. i have an inherent distaste for any kind of censorship and would resist any attempt to restrict my own voice where am i going with all this? choice - i can choose how i feel and react to circumstances and individuals confront - all of society [including me] are conditioned to confrontation voice - i demand the right to my own voice if my re-actions are coloured by my negative choice then i'm doomed to confrontation and censorship as coping techniques if my re-actions are coloured by my positive choice then the conditioning comes under question and voices are heard i had a hard time wrapping my brain around the idea that i have a choice in how i react to things including how i react emotionally this helped: ------------------------------------------------------- as novices we think we're entirely responsible for the way people treat us i have long since learned that we are responsible only for the way we treat people rose lane ------------------------------------------------------- i think this concept has been wonderfully demonstrated by the incredible people on this list in the range of re-actions posted in regard to jeanne's message 'get a clue' jeanne was obviously 'spilling' a lot of anger and frustration; as a 'receiver' i could have reacted with anger and interpreted her words as out of line and insulting or fear and interpreted her words as a personal attack or acceptance and interpreted her words as her opinion, nothing more, nothing less or empathy and interpreted her words as her expression of frustration whatever but it is my choice now i'm not at the mercy of the tempest no one or thing can 'make' me feel anything my emotions are my own i can choose to see the cup as half empty and worry about what i don't have or i can choose to see the cup as half full and enjoy what i have it's still the same cup but my outlook is not i can see jeanne's or ken's or whoever's messages as annoying or as communication they are still the same messages but my outlook is not i can see the volume of messages on the list as an overwhelming burden or as generous sharing the volume is still the same but my outlook is not janet ------------------------------------------------------- Subj: CD: perceptions of rainbows Date: 15 July 1997 ------------------------------------------------------- hi marling! you wrote: >your outlook is great >I have always felt that I am responsible for >my own actions and reactions and no one else's. ...thank you for your kind words but... if you have 'always' felt that way how come you didn't let me in on the secret earlier? here i am a grown woman of 50 and sometimes i feel like i'm still in kindergarten! >By the way, I have also found that I can color that hole. >Mine now has rainbow swirls. It makes it cheery (ha ha). i have described the 'paralysis of will' that accompanies slimey thinking as akin to functioning in a vat of green jello [extra thick] but i like your idea better your syb-sis janet ------------------------------------------------------- Subj: CD: perceptions shared Date: 15 july 1997 ------------------------------------------------------- hi margie! you wrote: >Wonderful description of depression and our choices of >what to do about it. It's easier said than done to make >those choices when in the midst of depression, and your >letter makes clear, but the choices are there. >I'm going to save your article to re-read and to share >with friends, if you don't mind. Thanks. thank you for your kind words and please feel free to share away! recognising cd is the hardest aspect i think probably followed by accepting it and deciding to deal with it it's as common as the common cold but more so in parkies it's been hidden away in the 'looneybin' closet for too long as far as i'm concerned: if i have double-vision i have a type of bio-visual imbalance which needs to be corrected no shame/guilt/fear attached if i have pd i have a type of dopamine bio-chemical imbalance which needs to be corrected no shame/guilt/fear attached if i have cd i have a type of serotonin bio-chemical imbalance which needs to be corrected no shame/guilt/fear attached the 'corrections' are simply the ways and means i have at my disposal to 'tune-up' and 'fine-tune' as much as possible this bio-chemical body that i live in cuz i don't have a spare one handy the catch 22 of cd relative to other 'physical' imbalances is that it affects my perception of myself and my world the only reason i could recognise it in myself the first time was because i had done a lot of reading on the subject in order to understand someone near and dear after i was on an anti-depressant medication for a few weeks the clouds broke and the sun blazed through one day when i caught myself singing on the way to work for the first time in two years at that moment i fully realized [a] that there really had been clouds [b] that they had been dogging me for two years [c] that they had snuck up behind me silent and slow [d] that they had been twisting my perceptions like fun-house mirrors except that it wasn't very much fun however from the perspective i now have i can look on all of it as invaluable growing experience and would not change a thing not cd and not pd how else would i have arrived at this point of sharing so much with you? janet ...................continued in part 2 of 2 janet paterson - 51 now /41 dx /37 onset - almonte/ontario/canada [log in to unmask]