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Errrrr... There seems to be some confusion as to Stacey's gender here on the List. Stacey's a member of the same PD support L.A. based PD support group that I belong to so I've actually seen 'em in person. Stacey's definitely a MALE-TYPE-PERSON. Barb Mallut (waving at Stacey) [log in to unmask] -----Original Message----- From: janet paterson <[log in to unmask]> To: Multiple recipients of list PARKINSN <[log in to unmask]> Date: Wednesday, December 23, 1998 5:14 AM Subject: deja vu all over again / for stacey et al / part 1 of 2 >hi stacey and al; > >this is the part of a group of messages >which i have sent to several people privately on request >in the past > >i put this one together for stacey >and was going to send it to her privately as well > >but then i thought, >"nope; this one's for sharing" > >it's sort of deja-vu all over again, no? > >janet > > >------------------------------------------------------- >Subj: cyber-siblings-on-the-move >Date: 14 july 1998 >From: [log in to unmask] >------------------------------------------------------- > >hi sibling! > >this is the first of five messages with info in re cd >[clinical depression] > >you are probably wondering >why would i write all of this to a 'stranger'? >simple >you are not a stranger at all > >anyone who is in clinical depression >is my sibling-in-slime [!] >always has been >always will be > >if i can get through it >so can you >but you cannot do it by yourself >that's why i want you to read all the other pages i've sent > >your emotional and rational perceptions have been been distorted >by an imbalance in your brain chemistry [cd] >just as your physical motor responses have been affected >by an imbalance in your brain chemistry [pd] > >trying to consider your situation rationally now >with your thought processes distorted as they are >is impossible >so you'll just have to trust me on this one >and start reading > >why should you trust me? >for the same reason i'm sending all this to you > >anyone who is in clinical depression is >my sibling-in-slime >always has been >always will be > >with much love for you and yours > >your cyber-sis > >janet > > >------------------------------------------------------- >Subj: CD: perceptions >Date: 14 july 1997 >------------------------------------------------------- > >dear cyber-siblings > >for those who don't know me very well >i use the term 'siblings' consciously and deliberately > >this group has great importance to me as an extended family > >i live on an island with a population of 55,000 >[until december 1997] >and have never met another parkie >[until january 1998] >let alone a support group >so 'you lot' are it > >since october 1995 >when i was privileged to join this ethereal family >i have: >posted daily at times >posted infrequently at times >lurked for months at a stretch >all depending on my own circumstances and my own energy levels > >i deal with parkinson's disease [pd] >as well as with clinical depression [cd] >and at times, i think cd is the harder battle > >when my thinking >is bright and clear >my sense of self is strong >my sense of humour is at its goofiest >my inherent natural joy in life is in top form >and my tolerance for the actions of others is at its most generous > >when i am caught >in the Grey Cloud [GC] >of Clinical Depression [CD] >or other Similarly Laden Internalized Modes of Expression [SLIME!] >my thinking becomes >consistently negative >my sense of self is muddied >the joy in life doesn't exist >[and never did, and never will return] > >there is little in this wide world and dark to laugh at >and there are very few people out there >[a] who are worth my attention and >[b] who would ever feel i was worthy of their attention. > >this kind of murky thinking grows slowly and insidiously >and feeds on itself in a slippery downward spiral >i know it intimately > >the hardest work i've done in the past few years >is learn to recognise it >for what it is > >once i realize what's going on >a little crack appears in the overhead gloom >and then it's 'just' a matter of consciously working >at reversing the downhill slide by whatever means necessary > >for me >the epiphany >in this struggle was >suddenly learning that i had a choice in my emotional reactions > >that these dank cobwebby veils of negative emotion >were hanging all around me >because i allowed them to > >that is not to say >that i'm 'guilty' of causing my own murk >rather >i comprehend that i have a conscious choice >and in using that choice >there is strength > >our society's brain-washing-staining includes a chronic tendency >to look at things through a lens of confrontation > >life and its challenges are tackled >from the narrow perspective of >either / or >all or nothing >my way or the highway >if something's wrong, someone must be blamed >and on and on > >from a wide angle perspective >i believe this approach results >in global confrontations like bosnia, belfast, et al > >from a close-up perspective >i believe this approach results >in personal problems like family estrangement >i know that intimately too. > >i have an inherent distaste for any kind of censorship >and would resist any attempt to restrict >my own voice > >where am i going with all this? > >choice - i can choose how i feel and react to circumstances and individuals > >confront - all of society [including me] are conditioned to confrontation > >voice - i demand the right to my own voice > >if my re-actions are coloured by my negative choice >then i'm doomed to confrontation and censorship as coping techniques > >if my re-actions are coloured by my positive choice >then the conditioning comes under question and voices are heard > >i had a hard time >wrapping my brain around the idea >that i have a choice in how i react to things >including how i react emotionally >this helped: > >------------------------------------------------------- > as novices we think we're entirely responsible for > the way people treat us > i have long since learned that we are responsible only for > the way we treat people > > rose lane >------------------------------------------------------- > >i think this concept has been wonderfully demonstrated >by the incredible people on this list >in the range of re-actions posted >in regard to jeanne's message 'get a clue' > >jeanne was obviously 'spilling' a lot of anger and frustration; >as a 'receiver' i could have reacted with >anger >and interpreted her words as out of line and insulting >or fear >and interpreted her words as a personal attack >or acceptance >and interpreted her words as her opinion, nothing more, nothing less >or empathy >and interpreted her words as her expression of frustration >whatever > >but it is my choice now >i'm not at the mercy of the tempest > >no one or thing can 'make' me feel anything >my emotions are my own > >i can choose to see the cup as half empty >and worry about what i don't have >or >i can choose to see the cup as half full >and enjoy what i have > >it's still the same cup >but my outlook is not > >i can see jeanne's or ken's or whoever's messages > >as annoying or as communication >they are still the same messages but my outlook is not > >i can see the volume of messages on the list >as an overwhelming burden or as generous sharing >the volume is still the same but my outlook is not > >janet > >------------------------------------------------------- >Subj: CD: perceptions of rainbows >Date: 15 July 1997 >------------------------------------------------------- > >hi marling! > >you wrote: >>your outlook is great >>I have always felt that I am responsible for >>my own actions and reactions and no one else's. > >...thank you for your kind words > >but... >if you have 'always' felt that way >how come you didn't let me in on the secret earlier? > >here i am a grown woman of 50 >and sometimes i feel like i'm still in kindergarten! > >>By the way, I have also found that I can color that hole. >>Mine now has rainbow swirls. It makes it cheery (ha ha). > >i have described the 'paralysis of will' >that accompanies slimey thinking >as akin to functioning in >a vat of green jello >[extra thick] >but >i like your idea better > >your syb-sis > >janet > >------------------------------------------------------- >Subj: CD: perceptions shared >Date: 15 july 1997 >------------------------------------------------------- > >hi margie! > >you wrote: >>Wonderful description of depression and our choices of >>what to do about it. It's easier said than done to make >>those choices when in the midst of depression, and your >>letter makes clear, but the choices are there. >>I'm going to save your article to re-read and to share >>with friends, if you don't mind. Thanks. > >thank you for your kind words >and please feel free to share away! > >recognising cd is the hardest aspect i think >probably followed by accepting it >and deciding to deal with it > >it's as common as the common cold >but more so in parkies > >it's been hidden away in the 'looneybin' closet >for too long > >as far as i'm concerned: >if i have double-vision >i have a type of bio-visual imbalance >which needs to be corrected >no shame/guilt/fear attached > >if i have pd >i have a type of dopamine bio-chemical imbalance >which needs to be corrected >no shame/guilt/fear attached > >if i have cd >i have a type of serotonin bio-chemical imbalance >which needs to be corrected >no shame/guilt/fear attached > >the 'corrections' >are simply the ways and means i have at my disposal >to 'tune-up' and 'fine-tune' as much as possible >this bio-chemical body >that i live in >cuz i don't have a spare one handy > >the catch 22 of cd >relative to other 'physical' imbalances >is that it affects my perception of myself and my world > >the only reason i could recognise it in myself the first time >was because i had done a lot of reading on the subject >in order to understand someone near and dear > >after i was on an anti-depressant medication for a few weeks >the clouds broke and the sun blazed through one day >when i caught myself singing on the way to work >for the first time in two years > >at that moment i fully realized >[a] that there really had been clouds >[b] that they had been dogging me for two years >[c] that they had snuck up behind me silent and slow >[d] that they had been twisting my perceptions like fun-house mirrors >except that it wasn't very much fun > >however >from the perspective i now have >i can look on all of it as invaluable growing experience >and would not change a thing >not cd and not pd > >how else would i have arrived at this point >of sharing so much with you? > >janet > >...................continued in part 2 of 2 >janet paterson - 51 now /41 dx /37 onset - almonte/ontario/canada >[log in to unmask] >