Dear list: I wrote this rough draft last night but couldn't wait to share it. Its true based on my condition and marital status 3 or 4 yrs ago. nervously, Bill A Bad Night/A Good Care-giver my body roughly shakes me awake callously shredding the pretense of sleep the movement so ludicrously lacking a few hours ago absurdly amplified leaden limbs now spastic plastic thrash about energetically the bed's squeaking and creaking intruding on my wife's scant moments of sleep my gyrations making us both bizarre synchronized swimmers I grab the pole next to the bed locking my muscles hoping to quell the riot holding my breath, concentrating calm, calm the sensible thing to do wait this stage out these extra movements will pass eventually but my bladder is demanding attention so I haul my earthquaking body out of bed and moonwalk to our bathroom I relieve myself clumsily, noisily but fairly accurately I am far too bouncy to return to bed I am reluctant to wake my wife again, as I already had to for my 2:00 am pills as I was too stiff to move it's 3:30 now and I'm rockin' and rollin' it's only another hour and a half before she has to get up for work I will go work on the computer typing at an astonishing speed but hitting all the wrong letters gradually my body slows 4:15 and I'm now typing with one finger 4:30 I am not mobile enough to rise from my chair 4:45 I am in a great deal of pain my back muscles locked unable to turn my head this is the final quarter of my 4 hour cycle where I can either cheat and take extra pain killers or take my next dose early either of which has dire consequences of its' own besides it's not an option now because I have no pills within reach it won't be long, I tell myself Anita will be up beads of sweat drip on the keyboard each breath brings more pain I am totally locked up the poem that was going so beautifully lost in the twilight zone I focus on the clock on the computer 4:50 it won't be long now an eternity passes I am twisting to the side only the chair arm is keeping me from falling over like Arte Johnson on his tricycle on laugh in that image makes me snort cut off quickly when my whole body objects owwwww it is now difficult to breathe I am soaked in sweat teeth clenched, heart pounding 4:55 God, I hope that clock's not fast 4:56 C'mon clock, I'm starting to moan 4:57 My head is curled against my chest, all my muscles are contracting, cramping 4:58 I can't see through the combination of sweat and tears 4:59 Hey I think, If I could have blood I'd have a band snort, owwww 5:00 I strain to listen for the alarm to go off praying Anita won't try to grab a few more minutes rest 5:01, 5:02 What the h... then I hear the tiny alarm Anita uses to avoid waking me at the ungodly hour she gets up I hear her sigh even through two doors the fatigue is heartrending She calls softly, Bill? She opens the bedroom door and comes into my office By now the sweat has dried and I am shaking with pain and cold She looks down at me at the unfinished work on the screen gently she straightens me in my chair she asks "why didn't you call me" already knowing the answer she continues "I'll get your 6 oclock's now" her instant assessment of my condition- she's seen me like this far too many times not just in the computer room but also after marathon poker games or at bingo or when we are out I try to nod and smile and say I'm ok but just manage a gurgle she disappears, reappearing instantly she puts the pills in my mouth carefully and gently tips a glass of milk to my lips I swallow while looking in her eyes trying to tell her how much I love her, need her but she is busily turning my chair placing my feet in position Ready? she asks I nod, the comfort of her prescence already working a small miracle she takes my outstretched hands leans back pulling me to my feet with her encouragement "big steps, big steps" we stagger into the bedroom she helps me sit then swings my body and legs up with experienced effeciency covers me with a light blanket takes my hands out adjusts my pillows does everything perfectly then with a brief smile she rushes off to start preparing for her other full time job she will telephone around 7:30 to make sure the boys get up get themselves ready for school and remember to check on me before they leave or she'll use her break to dash home ensure I'm ok drop the boys off at school back to work... I'm alone until 9:00 a short terrifying time if I'm awake 9:00 is when my homemaker arrives and begins the arduous task of trying to get me up showered and dressed and fed in a two hour time slot this usually involves a rubdown with a-35 to get me loosened up enough so with assistance I can shower and dress usually someone will check on me around noon then Anita's home again after 2 to do the cleaning and shopping running silly errands for me driving the boys around cooking supper, doing the dishes maybe a couple loads of laundry... beautifull poetry in constant motion but how long can she go on with 20 hour days I wonder if Parkinson's is my curse or her's Bill Harrington ps we seperated 3 years ago > > >