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REASONS TO BE A MAN Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a 3-pak. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch the game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Same work...more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress-$2000. Tuxedo rental-$75 bucks. You don't have to mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?" You are never expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.