Hello list,
Please plan on taking some time for this-it's long- or delete if you
want....
Another caregiver leaves me..... but Don, Camilla, Gisela, Hans, Delda,
Joan, Jeanette, Hilary and more of you soften the blow. And then I get
hate mail for the second day in a row from a male on our List....
The person I found to help me for the weekend at 1:45 on Thursday
afternoon left at 7 AM this morning. He was just wonderful to me.
WIthout his help, I would have had to go to Mercy Hospital, maybe never
to return. It was a trial for both of us, however.
He came armed with a BOX of rubber gloves. I felt like a laboratory
rat. He would not use my sinks to wash his hands. He told me that he
didn't need to eat anything from my refrigerator. I guess he "held it in"
because he would not use either of my bathrooms! He drove four miles
home and back when he "had to go" (to the bathroom). He broke out into a
sweat when I needed help to get out of my boots and jeans and long-johns
last night. He was frightened to touch my skin. I could not get help at
all to dry my hair after a bath, so I went three days with no
shampooing, shaving and cleaning up properly. No big deal-I'm used to
being treated poorly.
His roommate was supposed to give him a three hour break, and cook
supper on Friday night. But the roommate never showed up here. HHV
strikes again. Eventually, I taught the CG how to make a nutritious soup,
from sweet potatoes, white potatoes, carrots, onions and chicken
bouillon. And even though "supper" had to be delayed til 1 AM , it was
nutritious and delicious.
The caregiver was obviously infected with the HHV. That's the human
homophobia virus. His church (7th Day Adventist) lets gay people attend
but gays cannot become members.
This morning, when he left, another Christian came in. A better
kind of Christian. She accepts me as I was made by our one God. Since
the age of 9 I knew I was "special." Her name is Natalie. She has
learned that I am just like anybody else.
I have to tell you my story so that you can learn why my PWP journey
is extra difficult. I read all your stories about caring for your
opposite-sex wives and husbands, and I appreciate them and enjoy them
because you feel happy to share your gratefulness for the love you are
blessed to have.
Just delete this if you don't want to know what I go through to survive.
I might be the only male gay PWP of 9 that I know of on this LIst, who
feels safe enough to talk to you openly. I am trying to let you see what
my life is like. Some of you would be SHOCKED if you knew what I know
about the gay men who have to hide in the closet, who are very PROMINENT
on this List.
But I respect their privacy.
Lately I've been moody. Sometimes I have been feeling sunny, and very
grateful for the good moments, other times, blue, blue-black or black and
blue.
This evening I looked at the thermometer. At about 11:00 it was
hovering around +5 deg. Fahrenheit. Or, you could say, 27 deg below the
freezing point of water. Not an ideal place to have PD-hypothermia.
Around my place it is an Arctic wasteland. The driveway is at best a
hockey rink, at worst, a dangerous
downhill death trap. I want to feel like I'm in a crystal palace. There
are moments when I make it there.
I'm 49 now, but most of the time, I still think of myself as 26. I
can't explain it. Then PD makes me feel 102 at times. Sometimes I plan
my excursions away from this perfectly beautiful house for 5, 6, 7 hors,
and when the time comes to go out, I have tired out too much to leave
home.
I have been struggling every day for about 6 months. I go out to the
neighborhood bar. I try to connect with the people there, but only with
hours of preparation do I have even half a chance of shaking PD off my
shoulders. I feel sort of like Chris Kinesia's blood brother when Chris
orders a Sinemet Sling from the bartender..
Not everyone notices PD in the dark of night. Somehow I am more
acceptable after dark. Safer to pretend.
Tonight I made it home and got in from seeing "the boys." and tried to
get on the List.
My modem wasn't being recognized. I had to shut down and re-boot. I
tried everything. Finally, after 2 HOURS of trying, I got hooked up.
What a relief. I was almost panicky. I needed you.
Without the List, at this very scary time, I am fidgety, or antsy or
worse.
You all are so precious to me. I don't care if you are fighting with
each other (hopefully not too often).
I hope I didn't upset any of you when I talked about the terrible things
that I have had to go through.
I didn't mean to be perceived to be selfish. I just needed a few
people to listen to me.
Tonight three different guys sorta "made the moves" on me. You gals
know what I mean. I was dressed real nicely and quietly sat there,
sipping my beverage.
I was thinking, how would I handle it if somebody REALLY likes me,
and finds out I have quickly advancing PD. Will this block me from a
relationship? I looked good, I know I did, and people were drawn to me.
Eye contact. Hugs happened (lololo).
A warm mustache nearly brushed my lips.
So many people here on this List seem to be married or partnered or
looking for the opposite sex. You might want to think how lucky you are
by contrast to me.
I think that all of us single PWP's must face the same dilemma, whether
God made you straight or gay, or bisexual. PD is a very tricky pest.
Most of the time I feel like I am the only young, single, gay and PWP on
the planet who has not given up on finding that special somebody.
Sometimes I wish just ONE, just ONE more gay guy would tell the list
his story to the LIst. You would all learn so much. I felt that once
Camilla and also GIsela from Germany and Hans from the Netherlands
responded to my battle scars, the List was finally going to get over my
being "different."
In general, I feel better every time you send me a message that shows you
care.
I thought to myself, thank you, God and Goddess, the whole List was
starting to like me again.
IF a few more of the gay guys on this list felt up to it, and told the
90 or 95 % of the List you are also gay, it would help me. To come out of
the closet , you need a LOT of support, but to be in the closet is a kind
of pretense that isolates me. Then again, perhaps I never should have
talked. Oh well.
This morning, I got on the List as usual. A letter from someone (I
won't say his name) who wrote me an angry private post . He said I have
to remember that this List has 1600 people, and it is not my list!
Just yesterday, a letter from another male had said that I must
stop pushing the "GAY" issue.
Excuse me, I never tell you folks to stop pushing the "STRAIGHT" issue!!
We all need each other!!
That negative attitude is still bothering me. I REALLY DON'T NEED
HATRED at 8:00 on a Sunday morning! And I will talk about it if that is
what I need to do to remain whole.
I hope both men get over that hating feeling. I certainly need all of
you as FAMILY. This list is , like Janet P. said, a miracle. Can't we
get over homophobia and antiSemitism and racial attitudes, and respect
women as human beings, before the millennium? I would like to BRAG about
this list, but I'm not ready to do so quite yet.
I guess sometimes the word "gay" gets in the way. Please try a
little harder to get over it.
Love from Maine,
Ivan 49/39/36
P.S. No, I'm not a lighthouse-keeper (Hi, Texas!) Yes, I am still doing
better, thanks to adding Tasmar.
And yes, many people in the gay community here help me in different ways.
One who is 55 is under discussion as a possible housemate for me. He is
educated, and needs a job. However, he has been caring for his mom, who
has Alzheimer's. She just moved to an assisted living place, not far from
me. It costs $115.00 per day. He just returned from living in London for
several years. He has to feel out whether being around my young-onset PD
would be too much of a burden. There are no immediate answers. He is
going to try out here on Wednesday. We are at least talking rather
comfortably.
