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I apologize but I just couldn't resist this to lighten things up - but ain't it the truth. Bob Anibal -----Original Message----- From: DAVID OAKES <[log in to unmask]> To: Bob A <[log in to unmask]> Date: Wednesday, February 03, 1999 3:35 PM Subject: funny] > > > > >> STRANGE OLD LADY >> >> A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has >> moved into my house. I have no idea who she is,where she >> came from,or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All >> I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she >> was. >> >> She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight >> for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a >> glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to >> check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing >> and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This >> is very rude. >> >> I have tried screaming at her to stop it but, she just screams >> back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening! >> >> If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer >> to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a >> dollar bill stuck into a coat pocket, or some loose change >> under a sofa cushion but, that is not nearly enough. >> >> In fact,I dont want to jump to conclusions but, I think she is >> stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one >> hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly >> don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the >> old lady is pilfering from me. >> >> You would think she would use some of that money to buy >> some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money >> isn't the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to >> disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff >> like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just can't seem to keep >> that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet >> tooth but, she better watch it because she is really packing on >> the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel >> better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I >> am putting on weight too. >> >> For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She likes to >> play these really nasty games like going into my closets when >> I'm not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. Or >> messing with my files and papers so that I can't find them. >> This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and >> organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not >> record what I have carefully and correctly programed it to >> record. >> >> She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets >> to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and >> somehow blurs the print so badly that I can't see it. And she >> has done something really sinister to the volume controls on >> my TV, radio, and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles >> and whispers. >> >> She has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my >> vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to >> turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and >> out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my >> groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to >> the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is >> this any way to repay my hospitality? >> >> I don't even get any respite at night because more than once >> her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as >> if that weren't bad enough, she is no longer confining her >> tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car >> and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the >> fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she >> tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the >> dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally >> ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how >> great it looks on me. >> >> Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved >> me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture >> taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right >> in front of me !! Who is going to believe that the picture of >> that old lady is me? >> >> She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I >> swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, >> maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.I think I will check with the >> IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh,oh, I >> wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always >> on my computer too. >> >> *sigh*.....what's a body to do????? >