Dateline: Parkinsaw, MI
Feb 14, 1999
Happy Valentine's Day and greetings again from the frozen shores of
Parkinsaw, MI, a certified imaginary locale with a significant number of
PD residents. As the winter continues its grip on the community, unique
problems continue with distressing "PD Freezing"incidents. " When it's
cold like this up here, visitors can sometimes get confused by the term
'freezing''", quipped Frenchy Gamache. " For example, remember that last
snowstorm when old Rasmussen suddenly froze while walking between
Stella's Flower Shop and Tony's Chicken Delight, was totally covered
with snow, and a visitor thought he was an ice sculpture until he spit
out a big chaw of tobacco?" Fortunately since many residents have
experienced this phenomena he was quickly spotted, dragged inside before
being covered over completely, and slowly brought back to normal with
hot coffee followed by an unscheduled visit to the neurologist. .
Arnie Bergman also had a close bout this week with freezing-up
which has convinced him to give up drinking. I guess what propelled old
Arnie into sobriety was the realization that alcohol was significantly
contributing to his periodic immobility attacks. What happened was
that Old Arnie, disobeying his doctor's injunction against drinking, got
a snoot full of whisky and headed across the Parkinsaw Bay on his trusty
snowmobile, with a cooler full of beer. Beer in hand, he apparently
went into nearly total rigidity while heading south at full throttle.
Fortunately, Arnie, drunk as a coon, had neglected to fill up the gas
tanks and came to a sudden stop only 15 minutes out. Also, fortunately,
Snoose Perkins and his son Butch noticed the immobile figure in the
stalled snowmobile, and rescued Old Arnie before he went all the way to
Green Bay. .
Last night I had my own PD problems. I almost threw my back out
while trying to rollover in bed. I've rigged up several screw eyes in
the wall above the bed and when I need to roll over, I grab a cane,
which has a steel hook fastened to it, insert the hook into the screw
eye, and ideally pull myself over. Unfortunately, in the dark, I pulled
the wrong way and ended up yanking myself right out of bed. I wasn't
seriously hurt but I bet old Yooper won't be sleeping in that spot on
the floor for a while! Back to the drawing board with the cane and
hooks. And, next week, silk sheets!
Residents here have been discussing the causes of PD in Parkinsaw,
as stories of mice and men flood the news. One popular local theory is
that the collective disappointment with the pathetic play of the Detroit
Tigers over the past three years has resulted in unusually disruptive
pressures in the brains of local fans thereby possibly adversely
affecting their dopamine levels. More educated opinions place the blame
on the excessively high levels of toxic metals and pesticides found in
the local fish supply. Who knows? Might just as well vent your spleen
and blame those cellar-dwelling Tigers.
Well, that's about the end of it for now from Parkinsaw, MI, the
imaginary land of hardy Parkinsonians. Next time we'll reveal the
innovative "Shave N' Pooper", the product for the bathroom that keeps on
giving. Incidentally, this imaginary world needs feedback from the real
world. Designed to produce a few chuckles and a grin or two, we need to
know if we're meeting our goal. We're especially concerned about
offending some people while creating our idea of funny situations
involving PD, which, of course, is no laughing matter.
John Bjork, 60/20 (that's not my eye sight)
