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Dateline Parkinsaw, MI February 21, 1999 A View from the Lighter Side Welcome to Parkinsaw, a certified imaginary community located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, populated largely by individuals stricken with Parkinson's Disease. Stories, situations and characters are are presented in the belief that laughter, as music of the soul, is good medicine. The Chamber of Commerce is waiting to serve you. Enjoy your visit while you "Shuffle off to Parka, Shuffle off to Parka, Shuffle off to Parkinsaaaw" The Shakers and Shufflers PD Support Group met last night to discuss problems for Parkinsonians with today's product packaging, especially the scourge of Parkies everywhere...the dreaded shrink-wrap. Judith Mattson introduced a new industrial-strength, multi-purpose tool capable of subduing even the toughest shrink-wrapped packages often seemingly designed to withstand a nuclear war. Judith said she got the idea for a special tool to help her Parkie friends like Nancy Smedley, who lives over on Dyskinesia Mews. "Judith, it's just terrible nowadays. I have such a hard time opening just about everything I buy. I can't even get the foil wrapping off my champagne bottles, and those wine bottle wrappings---, well, just forget it." Mattson was astonished to learn from other Parkinsonians the extent of frustration experienced with a wide variety of products. For example, Bret D. Horningsworthly was attempting to open a videocassette, which had been securely, shrink wrapped by some mindless machine, in time to record a bluegrass music concert on PBS. Bret, like many of us, suffers from disabling tremors, especially when under pressure. So, hands violently shaking, Bret nervously did everything but bite the plastic wrap off the cassette but did he get the stuff off? Not even close. Then, in a complete rage, Bret lost it completely and with a crazed scream, heaved the still-wrapped cassette right through his picture glass window. Bret is currently under sedation at his brother Tony's where he's staying until the Nelson brothers fix the window. Judith Mattson had growing praise for the multi-purpose tool she found at Sears. "It's simply great! It has long nose pliers with a wire cutter, screw drivers, can and bottle opener, an anvil punch, several blades for scraping off that shrink-wrap, and for the Parkinsaw fishermen there's even a fish scaler. It also has a leather case which attaches to your belt and is small enough to fit into a purse. The line has been drawn. From now on, shrink-wrapped and other hard-to-open products better watch it in Parkinsaw, MI .(Warning: Do not use to defend against Palmetto Bugs. While this tool is great, you can only ask it to do so much) I'm sorry to report that my dog Yooper avoids the bedroom now, on account of my landing on him during an advanced rollover maneuver. Strangely, I've notice my wife sleeping with one eye open ever since the incident. PD is rough on our caregivers, about that there is no doubt. Yooper is an English Border Collie and is quite content with his role as assistant caregiver. Like me, however, he eats too much protein and needs to go on a diet. Maybe tomorrow, eh Yoop? There's been an interesting development involving the South Florida Palmetto Bug. During an experiment by the Fishermen's Guild, Lars Larson discovered that the Palmetto Bug, while being unattractive to fish, was itself astoundingly attracted to the dreaded Zebra Mussel, the totally useless mollusk which has infiltrated Michigan's Great Lakes. The Zebra Mussel, with no heretofore-natural enemies, is slowly destroying the fish population on account of nothing can kill it. At least, until now. The Palmetto Bug sees the Zebra Mussel as a seafood platter, and with its take-no-prisoners attitude, and advanced survival instincts, is a dangerous, natural predator to the mussel. Now, if someone could come up with about 5 million bugs, maybe there's a business opportunity here. (With proceeds going to Parkinson's research) Stay tuned for further developments. Well, that's it for this weeks's edition of The View from the Lighter Side from Parkinsaw, MI. Until next week, let your smile be your umbrella. John R Bjork