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Dateline Parkinsaw, MI Feb 28, 1999 A View from the Lighter Side Welcome to Parkinsaw, a certified imaginary community located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, populated largely by individuals stricken by Parkinson's Disease. Stories, situations and characters are fictitious and are presented in the belief that laughter, as music of the soul, is God's gift to us all, and is good medicine. The Chamber of Commerce is waiting to serve you. Enjoy your visit while you "Shuffle off to Parka, Shuffle off to Parka, Shuffle off to Parkinsaaaw" Parkansonians around here love to get on a soapbox and expound on whatever subject happens to be on their minds that day. A protracted discussion took place at the Town Hall Wednesday night, about the relative status of the pig in society in general, and here in Parkinsaw in particular. I was there and this is what happened: There has been an almost reverent feeling about the pig here in Parkinsaw, ever since it became known that cells from pig foeteses could be transplanted to humans to produce the dopamine that the brains we sufferers of Parkinson's Disease have stopped making. As a result, Parkinsaw has the largest per capita ownership of pet pigs in the country. Violet Swanson says of her pet pig Arnold "why I'd be lost without my little porker. I take him everywhere I go." Whether pig-to-human transplants will occur in the future or not, residents here are truly fond of these animals. Folks around here feel it ironic that the one animal that possesses the potential for contributing to the reversal of brain cell damage in humans is an animal which has been unfairly maligned over the years, made the butt of ridicule and derision, and generally treated with a pronounced lack of respect. "It just seems to me that the pig has been given such a negative image, and undeservingly so, that it's time to do something about it The only positive role models for the pig have been Disney's Porky Pig, Piggly Wiggly Food Stores and Miss Piggy", observed Doris Bloomquist. "It's time to go to bat for the pig." So, after several hours of reasoned discussion, the citizens of Parkinsaw decided to form a new organization called "STY-KING" to: "Promote and enhance a favorable image of the pig by underscoring its positive traits, encouraging ownership of pigs as pets and companions for those stricken with PD, and to explain the many ways pigs can be trained to aid handicapped individuals. For example, pigs can be trained to help parkinsonians living alone to roll over in bed by pushing them with their snout, to empty bedpans and to fetch beer and cigarettes. "The pig is known as one of the most intelligent of all animals, and it's remarkable the things they can be trained to do. Why, I'm working with our pig Jeeves to mow the lawn and do the laundry", affirms Maude Olson. The group settled on the name "Parkie Pig" as the organization's logo image, and Chubby L'Barre, who is an avid pet pig owner, was named president. Chubby will appoint other officers as needed. "The first order of business, eh"said Chubby passionately, "is to get the word out that the pig is the only animal of all God's creatures who can qualify for animal-to-human cell transplants. Although we've honored other animals throughout history such as the horse, dog, cat, monkeys, chimps, fish, whales, dolphins, not one of these species is good enough to be considered as a source for the transplantation of cells into human brains. Have the other animals been the continuous butt of insulting jokes? Noooo! That's because they all have positive images, while the poor little pig, who is the most intelligent of them all, is singled out for his snout, maligned for his weight and generally referred to as a fat, disgusting animal." Chubby L'Barre continued with this suggestion "I think we need to promote STY-KING in as many ways as we can, eh. Let's start with some bumper stickers. I've been taking notes, and here's a few for starters": 'The Pig! Not Just for Bacon Anymore'; 'Have you Hugged Your Pig Today?'; 'Pig Owners Make Better Lovers!'; 'Ask Me About My Pig, Today'; 'Can Your Cat Give You a Cell Transplant?', and 'Ho(i)nk if you Love Pigs'. We can sell these things on the internet on the Swede's web site where he already is selling his "Parkies Do It With Rigor" bumper stickers. I hear they're selling like Palmetto Bugs." Chubby received a round of applause for his suggestions. Then, a tourist wandered in, and asked why the pig was so popular in Parkinsaw: "Pot-bellied pigs are pretty popular with parkies here in Parkinsaw", profferred Paul Peterson, proud and prosperous proprietor of Paul's Piggery on Piggy Place, "probably primarily because they're playful, plentiful and pretty patient, and if properly pampered have proven they can provide Parkinsaw parkinsonians with proprietary pig parts posthumanously, and, parenthetically, provide pretty productive potential partners as proverbially pristine pets." "Of course, that's easy for you to say", quipped the tourist, as he wandered out the door. With that, the meeting adjourned, and everyone went home to feed their pig. Pigs eat well in Parkinsaw, and that's not a sty in the sky statement. Well, friends, the sun is sinking low here in Michigan's beautiful Upper Peninsula, and the deer are coming out to feed now. Speaking of eating, I think I'll head over to Mullock and Mooky's Pit Barbeque for some pork ribs. Nah, just kidding. Until next week, then, don't you dare give in to PD and forfeit God's gift of your smile, laughter and sense of humor. John R Bjork (60/20) A View from the Lighter Side Parkinsaw, MI