LISTSERV 16.0 - PARKINSN Archives

From: [log in to unmask]
Message-ID: <[log in to unmask]>
Date: Mon, 15 Mar 1999 19:45:52 -0800
To: alan levin <[log in to unmask]>, bonnie <[log in to unmask]>,
        celeste drason <[log in to unmask]>,
        Curry Wolfe <[log in to unmask]>, gary marx <[log in to unmask]>,
        jack finkel <[log in to unmask]>,
        jeff jacoby <[log in to unmask]>, judi roth
        <[log in to unmask]>,
        ken becker <[log in to unmask]>, laurie george <[log in to unmask]>,
        linda cohen <[log in to unmask]>, louis goodman <[log in to unmask]>,
        "[log in to unmask]" <[log in to unmask]>,
        "peter/jodi sandler, morgan and chelsea" <[log in to unmask]>,
        ron girsch <[log in to unmask]>,
        steve saperstein <[log in to unmask]>,
        terri recknor <[log in to unmask]>
Subject: Flight instructions
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> > Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
 make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
 more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or
 reported:
 >> >
 > > >
  > > "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
 are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
 > > > ------

 > > > After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
 >Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
 >enjoyed taking you for a ride."
 > > > ------
 > > > As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
 Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  "Whoa,
 big fella.  WHOA!"
 > > > ------
 > > > After a particularly rough landing during
 thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight
 announced:"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
 because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has
 shifted."
 > > > ------
 > > > From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
 aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert
the
 metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every
 other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
 shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss
 of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop
 screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
 small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
 theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide
now
 which one you love more.
 > > > ------
 > > > Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
 broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
 Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
 Southwest Airlines."
 > > > ------
 > > > "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and
 in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our
 compliments."
 > > > ------
 > > Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
 reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt
 sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and
 visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
 > > > ------
 > > "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
 drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth
 >and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
 > > > ------
 > > > "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
 your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
 among the flight attendants.  Please do not leave children or spouses."
 > > > ------
 > > > "Last one off the plane must clean it."
 > > > ------
 > > > And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We
 are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
 >industry...  Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
 > > > ------
 > > > Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
 >landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the
 >intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are
 >thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault,
  it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'fault...
 it was the asphalt!"
 > > > ------
 > > > Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
 Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the
 final approach the Captain was really having to fight it.  After an
 extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and
 announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.  Please remain
 in your  seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis
 >what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 > > > ------
 > > > Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
 perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
 Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 > > > ------
 > > > An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
 flight he had hammered  his ship into the runway really hard. The
 airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the
 door while the passengers exited, smile,  and give them a "Thanks for
 flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had
 a hard time looking the  passengers in the eye, thinking that someone
 would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for
 this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I
 ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot,
 "what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
 down?"
 > > > ------
 > > > After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
 Flight Attendant came  on with,  "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain
 in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft
 >to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has
 cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door
 and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
 > > > ------
 > > > Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
 "We'd like to thank you folks for  flying with us today. And, the next
 time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
 pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
 Airways."