John.. Does THIS mean that instead of shelling out a fortune to train service dogs to aid them Parkies what need 'em, that we can just get ourselves a piglet and train IT to do the same services? Well, my goodness! Can ya beat THAT? <stunned look on gorgeous face> One question.... I live in the Los Angeles area, and.... uhhhhh..... this IS a pretty darn image conscious city, ESPECIALLY if one lives in or near Beverly Hills..... ummmm... don't ya think a SERVICE PIG will FLY (so to speak) <giggle> better in the back woods of Michigan then it would, say , alighting from the front passenger seat of a Rolls Royce in the Hills of Beverly? <wee smirk> Barb Mallut (saluting ya with glass of Chateau d'Sinemet '91) [log in to unmask] -----Original Message----- From: john bjork <[log in to unmask]> To: [log in to unmask] <[log in to unmask]> Date: Sunday, April 18, 1999 6:58 AM Subject: Parkinsaw, MI: A View from the Lighter Side of PD, April 18, 1999 >A View from the Lighter Side of PD >Dateline: Parkinsaw, MI >April 18, 1999 > >Good morning to one and all from this imaginary haven for Parkinsonians, >located in Michigan's scenic, wild and beautiful Upper Peninsula, home >of the Porcupine Mountains, the Soo Locks, Pictured Rocks at Munising, >the Tahquamenon Falls at Paradise, and the Hiawatha National Forest. >We're glad you're here, but our merchants are even happier. Try one of >our traditional meat pies, the pasty, and a cold Levodopa premium beer. > >This last week was busy indeed, with the World Parkinson's Disease >Awareness Month celebration here, featuring speeches, "Pennies for >Parkinson's" kiosks, and a small parade with many of the areas >best-behaved pigs marching along. The Sty-King Group held a >demonstration of the smartest and best trained Pigs, with an emphasis on >showing examples of how they can be trained to help disabled >parkinsonians. Henry, owned by Big Jake Nelson, demonstrated his >usefulness as he rapidly searched, located and retrieved three devices >of critical value to a disabled person: TV remote controls, portable >telephones and car keys. Using a modified silent dog whistle, Big Jake >put Henry through his paces, and the pig located and retrieved all >devices with no problem except for one incident when Henry ate Jake's >wife's hearing aid. (Henry may make a mistake or two, but he now has >the keenest hearing in town.) Next was Maude Olsen's pet pig Jeeves, >who had been taught to open the refrigerator, grab a beer and bring it >to Maude. Jeeves did well, but the sneaky porker went back a second >time, and grabbed one for himself after cleverly figuring out how to >open it. (Watch out Budweiser frogs!) I'll tell you, we could have sold >a lot of those trained pigs that afternoon. > >Another great Parkinsaw Product for Parkinsonians has been introduced by >Jake Benoit and Charlie Johnson, the inventors of the Shave 'N Pooper. >The ParkinSuit, made of Nylon and space age material, is all you'll need >to stay neat and clean at socials, bratwurst parties, anyplace food and >drink is served, no matter how much you spill on yourself. This is one >fantastic line of clothing. It comes in three styles: knock-about, like >the traditional warm-up suit; casual-elegant, when a tie is required; >and, the formal, black-tie model. You'll be one cool dude with your >attractive, realistic-looking ties and formal assessories hand-painted >on your suits by native Yoopers. A special property of the material >allows it to be easily washable in a sink, thrown in a dryer for 2 >minutes, and then it's ready to wear again, complete with pant creases. >Think of the possibilities: You're sitting at the table at a large >dinner party, when your tremor suddenly propels your full glass of red >wine all over your tuxedo. What do you do, you ask? Well, if you're >dressed in your ParkinSuit, you simply smile, and say to your host: >"Jim, old boy, please excuse me for a moment." Off you go to the laundry >room, take off the jacket and pants, rinse in the sink and watch the >pasta and wine stains fly off that material, pop the clothes in the >dryer, and 2 minutes later you're back at the table ready to tackle the >French onion soup. These remarkable suits come in four popular colors >(black, brown, purple and navy, and in both winter and summer weights. A >line of women's models is being planned. > >Rumors abound in Parkinsaw! Tom Shelton, just back from Milwaukee, >bought one of those tabloid magazines there and buried deep in the >magazine was a strange article about an alleged discovery of a possible >cure for PD. According to the tabloid, an unspecified research facility >with experience in neuroprotective drugs found that excrement from pigs >mixed with innards extracted from the South Florida Palmetto Bugs showed >promise in arresting Parkinson's tremor. The unnamed spokesman stated >that the fowl smelling mixture was so disgusting that it was difficult >to find volunteers to test it out, given the person must immerse his >head into a container filled with the mixture for up to 15 minutes, >using a special breathing tube. Sounds like a breathtaking discovery, >all right. Funny, I've heard several other rumors lately about >Parkinson's Disease causes and cures on the Internet. Must be those >kids again. > >Last week we reported on how difficult it is at times to know that you >have Parkinson's Disease. To help the confused, we've identified >another example to help you decide: > >You might suspect you have Parkinson's Disease when you regularly go to >bed before your grandparents, your mother has 10 times your stamina, and >100 times your dexterity, and your faithful dog, so old you've long >forgotten his age, runs you ragged chasing balls. > >Old Rasmussen was back in the news this week. He got his information in >the mail regarding the deep-sleep company, Cold Turkey, the "we keep >you cold, so you don't grow old" boys, and he thinks he's going to order >the home model. Sloshing down his third Levodopa beer at the Northern >Lights microbrewery, Rasmussen was the center of attention. "Boys, it's >not that I want to do this thing you understand, but I'm afraid I just >won't make it until they find a cure. This way I'll be certain to be >there. And, I won't miss taking these stupid pills any more I can tell >you that." Rasmussen paused to take a breath, getting into it now. >"Listen there's something else. With the home model, they have speakers >hooked up to your capsule and you can have anything you want playing in >there while you're asleep. I could even listen to the Tigers play for >five years; maybe they'll climb out of the cellar by then; heh, heh, fat >chance." Hmmm, I thought. Wouldn't it be fun to play Chinese lessons >into that capsule for five years, so when old Rasmussen came out of it >he'd need an interpreter? "Good morning, Mr. Rasmussen, how do you >feel? You've been asleep for 7 years?" "Quang po chang??" "What was >that? "Quang po chang, ho hung chunk?" "So," said Rasmussen, "If I give >you a list of tapes would you guys come over make sure my wife is >playing the right tapes? We all nodded that we would keep an eye on the >tapes played into the capsule. I couldn't get my mind off the Chinese >lessons. A dirty trick to be sure, but almost irresistible. > >Well Ladies and gentlemen, the sun is sinking in the west, and birds are >singing from every tree, all nature seems inclined to rest, but there >ain't no rest for a lad like me. The flies are gearing up for another >season of attacking, pestering, biting and generally making life >miserable. It's a toss-up, which is worse up here, flies or mosquitoes >(winner and runner-up for State Bird) or that ubiquitous little terror: >the blood-sucking tick. So, we'll see you again next week. Remember to >indulge your laugh, smile and sense of humor, because nasty old Mr. PD >simply can't thrive around a smiling face. > >John Bjork (60/20) >A View from the Lighter Side of PD >Parkinsaw, MI >WebSite: www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw/htm >