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A View from the Lighter Side of PD Dateline: Parkinsaw, MI April 18, 1999 Good morning to one and all from this imaginary haven for Parkinsonians, located in Michigan's scenic, wild and beautiful Upper Peninsula, home of the Porcupine Mountains, the Soo Locks, Pictured Rocks at Munising, the Tahquamenon Falls at Paradise, and the Hiawatha National Forest. We're glad you're here, but our merchants are even happier. Try one of our traditional meat pies, the pasty, and a cold Levodopa premium beer. This last week was busy indeed, with the World Parkinson's Disease Awareness Month celebration here, featuring speeches, "Pennies for Parkinson's" kiosks, and a small parade with many of the areas best-behaved pigs marching along. The Sty-King Group held a demonstration of the smartest and best trained Pigs, with an emphasis on showing examples of how they can be trained to help disabled parkinsonians. Henry, owned by Big Jake Nelson, demonstrated his usefulness as he rapidly searched, located and retrieved three devices of critical value to a disabled person: TV remote controls, portable telephones and car keys. Using a modified silent dog whistle, Big Jake put Henry through his paces, and the pig located and retrieved all devices with no problem except for one incident when Henry ate Jake's wife's hearing aid. (Henry may make a mistake or two, but he now has the keenest hearing in town.) Next was Maude Olsen's pet pig Jeeves, who had been taught to open the refrigerator, grab a beer and bring it to Maude. Jeeves did well, but the sneaky porker went back a second time, and grabbed one for himself after cleverly figuring out how to open it. (Watch out Budweiser frogs!) I'll tell you, we could have sold a lot of those trained pigs that afternoon. Another great Parkinsaw Product for Parkinsonians has been introduced by Jake Benoit and Charlie Johnson, the inventors of the Shave 'N Pooper. The ParkinSuit, made of Nylon and space age material, is all you'll need to stay neat and clean at socials, bratwurst parties, anyplace food and drink is served, no matter how much you spill on yourself. This is one fantastic line of clothing. It comes in three styles: knock-about, like the traditional warm-up suit; casual-elegant, when a tie is required; and, the formal, black-tie model. You'll be one cool dude with your attractive, realistic-looking ties and formal assessories hand-painted on your suits by native Yoopers. A special property of the material allows it to be easily washable in a sink, thrown in a dryer for 2 minutes, and then it's ready to wear again, complete with pant creases. Think of the possibilities: You're sitting at the table at a large dinner party, when your tremor suddenly propels your full glass of red wine all over your tuxedo. What do you do, you ask? Well, if you're dressed in your ParkinSuit, you simply smile, and say to your host: "Jim, old boy, please excuse me for a moment." Off you go to the laundry room, take off the jacket and pants, rinse in the sink and watch the pasta and wine stains fly off that material, pop the clothes in the dryer, and 2 minutes later you're back at the table ready to tackle the French onion soup. These remarkable suits come in four popular colors (black, brown, purple and navy, and in both winter and summer weights. A line of women's models is being planned. Rumors abound in Parkinsaw! Tom Shelton, just back from Milwaukee, bought one of those tabloid magazines there and buried deep in the magazine was a strange article about an alleged discovery of a possible cure for PD. According to the tabloid, an unspecified research facility with experience in neuroprotective drugs found that excrement from pigs mixed with innards extracted from the South Florida Palmetto Bugs showed promise in arresting Parkinson's tremor. The unnamed spokesman stated that the fowl smelling mixture was so disgusting that it was difficult to find volunteers to test it out, given the person must immerse his head into a container filled with the mixture for up to 15 minutes, using a special breathing tube. Sounds like a breathtaking discovery, all right. Funny, I've heard several other rumors lately about Parkinson's Disease causes and cures on the Internet. Must be those kids again. Last week we reported on how difficult it is at times to know that you have Parkinson's Disease. To help the confused, we've identified another example to help you decide: You might suspect you have Parkinson's Disease when you regularly go to bed before your grandparents, your mother has 10 times your stamina, and 100 times your dexterity, and your faithful dog, so old you've long forgotten his age, runs you ragged chasing balls. Old Rasmussen was back in the news this week. He got his information in the mail regarding the deep-sleep company, Cold Turkey, the "we keep you cold, so you don't grow old" boys, and he thinks he's going to order the home model. Sloshing down his third Levodopa beer at the Northern Lights microbrewery, Rasmussen was the center of attention. "Boys, it's not that I want to do this thing you understand, but I'm afraid I just won't make it until they find a cure. This way I'll be certain to be there. And, I won't miss taking these stupid pills any more I can tell you that." Rasmussen paused to take a breath, getting into it now. "Listen there's something else. With the home model, they have speakers hooked up to your capsule and you can have anything you want playing in there while you're asleep. I could even listen to the Tigers play for five years; maybe they'll climb out of the cellar by then; heh, heh, fat chance." Hmmm, I thought. Wouldn't it be fun to play Chinese lessons into that capsule for five years, so when old Rasmussen came out of it he'd need an interpreter? "Good morning, Mr. Rasmussen, how do you feel? You've been asleep for 7 years?" "Quang po chang??" "What was that? "Quang po chang, ho hung chunk?" "So," said Rasmussen, "If I give you a list of tapes would you guys come over make sure my wife is playing the right tapes? We all nodded that we would keep an eye on the tapes played into the capsule. I couldn't get my mind off the Chinese lessons. A dirty trick to be sure, but almost irresistible. Well Ladies and gentlemen, the sun is sinking in the west, and birds are singing from every tree, all nature seems inclined to rest, but there ain't no rest for a lad like me. The flies are gearing up for another season of attacking, pestering, biting and generally making life miserable. It's a toss-up, which is worse up here, flies or mosquitoes (winner and runner-up for State Bird) or that ubiquitous little terror: the blood-sucking tick. So, we'll see you again next week. Remember to indulge your laugh, smile and sense of humor, because nasty old Mr. PD simply can't thrive around a smiling face. John Bjork (60/20) A View from the Lighter Side of PD Parkinsaw, MI WebSite: www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw/htm