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On 22 Apr 99 at 16:55, Rager wrote: > Dear Clare: I am about to "celebrate" my 3rd year of membership in this > weepy world of PD. I've learned something about my tears: they can and will > come whenever they choose; > If it's any consolation, this was a very prominent symptom with me from about 3 years after my first symptoms to about 6 years. Tears would suddenly (and quite unexpected) flow down a 40 something male rednecks face. In hindsight I may have been close to clinical depression and not had an inkling...... I will never know. > > they are particularly close if a student or > colleague comes to me with a tearful problem; I am also vulnerable if a > confrontation in my school takes place within ear shot; if my husband and I > have a difference of opinion about the care I will need as time goes on, or > how well he's coping .... then there they are, or in the grocery line, or > paused at a red light. As well, my hormones play a major factor... but then > they always have. I rarely find the unbridled expression of these tears > liberating or a release for pent up stress. And if I do let go and really > give myself over to the anguish, I'm there for a while, sobbing and gasping > for air, filling the house with a wrenched and twisting voice I cannot > recognise as my own. I speak only for me. I do not associate these tears > which threaten to gush at a moment's notice with depression in the clinical > sense. I've got a brain which is degenerating at its own independent pace > as we speak. Does that depress me? make me sad? angry? thrash about in > despair? yes. I've moved past many milestones on this dark highway over the > last three years. But sometimes I return to a particularly hopeless moment > and relive its desparate dance. Sometimes I lunge into the well of self > pity, and struggle with the self destructive spirits that live down there. > My problems were undiagnosed at the time but I was frustrated beyond belief with almost every facet of my out of my control life. > > So, what do I do about it? I surround myself with the soft shell of healing > friends in whose company I find great comfort. I pursue alternate health > paths such as therapeutic massage, homeopathy, reike (but I never missing an > appt. with my neurologist). And I try to see the tears as a part of this new > coat I will wear for the rest of my life. Along with the slow freezing of > my body, the letting go of my physical flexibility, my balance, my control > in all physical functions and potentially some mental ones, the hurtful > glances, the opinions of well meaning people on how I should deal with my > challenges, which tend to undernine my own confidence just that much more, > there will also be tears, lots of them, more than I ever dreamed I could > cry. The tendency in our cinematic society is to finish this with an > optimistic beat that reaffirms the gold at the end of the rainbow. The > serene "Yes, but..." hovers over these sad thoughts and invites me to soften > their hollow sounds. Someone else will accept that invitation. For me, for > now, the best I can offer is I'll get on, tears and all. > Barbara Rager > I turned to new friends and went back to running (which I've always found therapeutic) and then added ballroom dancing. Dance lessons led to more new friends and then marriage. At some point during all this the tears went away. Oh I still have the odd soft spot........ but never the unfathomed deluge of old. Barb, I always enjoy the quality of your writing and I'm glad to see your post. All the best (there is life after tears) ........... Murray [log in to unmask]