 |
 |
Dateline Parkinsaw, MI: A View from the Lighter Side of PD April 22, 1999 Early Edition Welcome to Parkinsaw, MI, the premier imaginary community for Parkinsonians located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. The hardy citizens of this charming community look forward to serving you. This week's report of humorous stories from Parkinsaw is two days early due to personal circumstances. The citizens of Parkinsaw are generally not political activists. With the exception of Chubby LaBarre's Sty-King group to improve the image of the pig, folks around here are simply too busy getting the most out of their lives while they can. That's why I was surprised to learn that an above average number of Parkinsaw's finest were really up in arms about the poor response they got from the news media on the occasion of drumming up media support to celebrate World's Parkinson's Awareness Month. They're so mad that they're considering joining with another group of Parkys to protest this lack of media attention by eating ice cream until some respect is obtained. Sort of a "Vanilla Vanguard" operation. The Parkinsaw participants in this endeavor are enthusiastic about the idea and the new Ice Cream Shoppe in town which just opened for the summer, has developed some new flavors and sugar cones to "call maximum attention" to the protest: Dopamint, ParkyPeach, and Basalberry. You can get these flavors is three sizes of sugar cones: The single scoop, Levodippa, and the double dipper, The Levodobladippa, and the extra-large cone, The Levosuppadobladippa. (Maybe we need an extra-extra large cone, eh? The Levoextasuppadobladippa? Nah.) . Do you remember old Harvey Swanson, who, after reading about the properties of copper in healing a variety of ills, got his cousin Ozzi up at White Pine to send him some copper ore samples? And he carried them around on his back in a knapsack? And got back spasms? Well, folks, he's off and running again, this time with magnets. Yessir, Harvey Swanson saw on late night TV this ad that promised relief from everything from sore feet to headaches. So Harvey ordered 10 pairs of shoe insoles, which have a couple hundred magnets, and when they arrive he's going to take them apart and make a hat with the lining filled with those little magnets. He hopes, of course, to cure his Parkinson's Disease tremor using the healing properties of the magnets. Says Harvey "If they make your feet better, why not give it a try on the black-hole of your brain, the substantia nigra?" Why not indeed. Another crazy experiment to keep an eye on. Speaking of crazy experiments taken from the late night TV wasteland, have you seen the exercise machine that lets you sit and watch TV while you build muscle tone, and become attractive again after losing about 400 pounds? Well believe it or not, Holtzon H Holtzman bought such a machine and hooked the little sticky pads to his scalp after shaving his head, and turned the machine all the way up to maximum power. Holtzon Holtzman, who has very bad tremors in both hands and arms had reached the end of his tether and was ready to try anything. Well, he fell asleep with the machine still connected on full power, after polishing off a few jumbo single malt scotches. When he awoke the next morning, his head had expanded to the size of a pumpkin, his scalp muscles pulsated and flexed like a space alien, and his scalp was bright red from all the blood flow. As if that weren't enough, the tremors now presented themselves in his ears, which were swollen to twice their normal size, and they twitched mechanically back and forth as if they were under the control of some strange power. Holtzman took one look in the mirror and bolted out of the house at 5 AM screaming incoherently, giant head and red scalp bobbing brightly and the two ears flapping and wagging like giant butterfly wings. I'm going to visit him in the hospital as soon as he's allowed visitors. Last heard, doctors had no luck arresting the strange ear tremors, which were still going strong, nor in reducing the size of his head. Hospital staff, following the tradition of gallows humor the world over, have nicknamed their star patient either "Full Moon" Holtzman, or simply,"Twitch". There's a new event in the athletic competition for the annual Parka-Thon to be held over the 4th of July: The 25-yard pogo-stick dash. Pogo sticks will be provided courtesy of Skinny's Bar and Grill. Rules for the pasta-eating contest continue to change. New rules are: First, it's going to be an all-you-can-eat event; second, entrants must wear a white shirt with long sleeves, and will be seated at their own table with a white tablecloth; third, the pasta will be served with a red sauce; red wine will be available, and a non-alcoholic red wine as well. Both wines will be consumed by using Spanish leather bodas; and fifth, chopsticks will be mandatory. So start practicing!. Winners will be determined by quantity of food and wine consumed, and overall cleanliness of clothes and tablecloth. Sorry, neither the Parka-Bib nor the ParkinSuit is allowed during the competition. Another strange incident in the North Country. A man was charged by the State Game Warden with killing and eating a bald eagle, which, as everyone knows, is on the protected species list. When the judge asked him how he pleaded, the stranger quietly pleaded guilty but with special circumstances. The man said he was a Parkinsonian, and was exploring the Hiawatha National Forest when he became lost. Soon he felt faint from hunger, so he shot and killed the bird, built a fire, and ate it, but he didn't know it was a bald eagle. The stranger shook visibly as he finished speaking. The judge to everyone's surprise, let the visitor off with a warning. As the court was clearing, I heard the judge ask the stranger: "You know, since they're on the endangered species list, I've never had the opportunity to eat a bald eagle, what do they taste like? The stranger replied, well, it was pretty good, about the same as a spotted owl or a whooping crane. Well friends, it's getting to be that time of day again, when the deer sneak out of the brush in search of food. Such beautiful and gentle creatures. Why nature made them so tasty is a mystery; just bad luck I guess. Until next week, remember to protect God's gift to you of your smile, laughter and sense of humor. Don't give in to PD!! John Bjork (60/20)