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Dateline: Parkinsaw, MI: A View from the Lighter Side of PD, dated June 6, 1999 Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, the imaginary community for people with Parkinson's Disease, located in the heart of Michigan's scenic, wild and beautiful Upper Peninsula Update on the 4th of July Park-A-Thon Work continues apace for the popular Park-A-Thon festivities here in Parkinsaw over the 4th of July. Activities consist mainly of competitive games, specifically designed for Parkinsonians to have fun, smile, laugh and forget about the ravages of disease. The events aren’t particularly difficult, but do offer a challenge and some competitive spirit. There will also be a parade, fireworks at dusk, and live music by the Dopaminos. Here is the list of events to date: The Rusty Man Triathon, which involves a half-mile run with a pig in tow, a 25-yard swim holding on to a watermelon, and a half-mile bike ride. One of the newest events introduced this year is the Pasta-eating contest, where each entrant has his or her own table, white table cloth, and must wear white slacks and white shirt with long-sleeves. The pasta is served with a red sauce, and red wine or juice. The pasta must be eaten with chopsticks. The entrant with the cleanest overall table and clothes wins. The annual Parkinson Pig show where the entrants demonstrate ways the intelligent pig can make life easier for Parkinsonians. Half-mile Pogo Stick Race. Cherry Pie eating contest Kayak Race Half-mile Pogo Stick Race with Pig Partner Fish Boning and Eating Contest. Winners will be determined by the number of whole perch (the boniest, best-tasting fish in the world) boned and eaten, and the number of bones removed. Parkinson's Egg Toss (Last year's record: 10-yards) Lots of delicious Levolager beer and bratwurst will be provided at the Northern Lights Beer Tent at special festival prices. Latest News on the Pig Sanctuary There have been reports in the news media reaching us up here in God's country about a certain number of pigs who are at risk from malicious prosecution, just because they're pigs and taste terrific. Well, Parkinsaw city fathers have donated the old Osterman estate farm, which was confiscated for back taxes, and will convert it into a pig sanctuary. To ensure adequate protection for the pigs, Dudley Doowrong has been selected as the sanctuary administartor and security manager. Mr Doowrong attained some measure of noteriety when he was in charge of counter-intelligence at Los Alamos National Labs in connection with then protection of our nuclear weapon secrets. It is thought around here that Mr Doowrong was out of his element at Los Alamos, and reached his level of incompetence there. Others think he was a victum of political circumstance. In any case, he should be up to the task of maintaining proper security for a group of poor, frightened pigs. The sanctuary coincides with a hightened interest in the use of fetal pig tissue for patients with Parkinson's Disease. The Strange Odyssey of the "Flying Pigs" In a related matter, we received reports over the internet of the spotting of a number of flying pigs sailing across the mid-west skies en route north towards Parkinsaw. Upon further analysis, however, it appears that the military radar systems were fooled by a gaggle of mutant geese who had stopped at their normal pond in early spring, but unbeknownst to them the pond had become polluted with industrial waste. The geese then grew to three times their normal size and suffered traumatic disfiguration to their bills which gave them the appearance of having flat, piggy noses. They appeared on radar screens as flying pigs to some dull-eyed radar technician, creating quite a stir up this way. The Flying Pigs Visit the Detroit Tigers On their way north, the strange-looking birds passed over Michigan's Lower Peninsula and made a low-flying sortie over Detroit's Tiger Stadium just as the night game between the Tigers and the World Champion New York Yankees was getting under way. Quipped one loyal Tiger fan as he spotted the flying "pigs" dipping low over right field: "If pigs can fly, then the Tigers can win the Pennant. Go Flying Pigs! The cresendo increased in volume ten fold: "Go Flying Pigs! Go Flying Pigs!" Last heard, there was a petition to re-name the Detroit Tigers the "Flying Pigs." (I don't know who at this point has the least respect). Anyway, after a couple of fan-pleasing circuits of the Stadium, the mutant geese headed north as is their custom, slightly disoriented due to their plight. The Scandinavian God of the North, Odin, must have played a role here because they all landed safely in Parkinsaw, and last seen were being spoiled rotten by soft-hearted Parkinsonians. The geese were treated to bratwurst, courtesy of the Northern Lights microbrewery, of course. Jobs and Activities Parkinsonians May Wish to Avoid Those helpful folks down at the Job Placement Center identify six more jobs which Parkinsonians may wish to avoid due to the potential for physical or emotional distress: Airline Pilot, Movie Stunt Man, Wood Carver, Accordionist, Snake Handler and Wooden Soldier Painter. It's getting to be that time here in Parkinsaw, MI to take a stroll in the woods and see how many deer you can spot. They're all over like locusts, of course, since deer season was last November. Then, some unseen bell goes off in the deer's head, which says: "Quick, Jack, head for the nearest swamp, and don't come out until December 1st! It's also time to have a delicious steak at the Northern Lights, a couple of Levolagers, and try to stay one step ahead of Mr No-Good. Let's promise together: We're not going to let Mr No-Good get our goat! Don't you dare let PD rob you of God's gifts of your smile, laughter and sense of humor. Until next week, your editor in resident bids you good evening. Don't Forget to Visit the Parkinsaw, MI Web Site and Make A Contribution to the "Thousand Pennies for Parkinson" Campaign! Visit us at: www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw.htm John Bjork Parkinsaw, MI "A View from the Lighter Side of PD"