The Weekly Chronicle
A View from the Lighter Side of PD
Parkinsaw, MI
June 20, 1999
Greetings from the temperate zone of beautiful Parkinsaw, MI, and
welcome once again to the Weekly Chronicles where we report on the zany
happenings in this imaginary community of folk suffering from
Parkinson's Disease.
The 4th of July Parka-Thon is shaping up to be the best ever. The way
it looks at this point is that we're going to be treated to a fly-by by
the Fables Cincinnati Flying Pigs, with some less-boisterous, and
best-behaved, Parcel Post pigs along for the ride of their piggy lives.
In addition to that new addition, they've also added a new competition
category called "Domestic Challenges". This category features several
mundane-sounding events: opening the dispensing spouts on five-liter
"wine-on-tap"boxes in a 20-minute period; shuffling two decks of cards;
folding a five-page letter and inserting into an envelope; and folding
over the pages of a newspaper, back-to-back, to be read.
Last week we reported on some of the consequences of playing
golf when you have Parkinson's Disease. The bottom line, at least from
our experience up here on the links in Parkinsaw, is that Parkinsonians
who excite easily should probably try another sport. In fact, anyone
who wears emotions on their sleeves should probably avoid the game of
golf. It's truly a tough mental game. Well, if you can handle the
mental side of the game, the physical benefits from golf for those with
PD are many indeed. You're getting a vigorous workout, you're
stretching tight-rigid muscles, and maybe most important of all you're
enjoying yourself. You're outside, getting fresh air, releasing
pent-up feelings with every solid swing you make.
For such a great game though, there sure are many strange stories which
occur out on those green fairways. Here's one of them: Bob Benoit,
co-inventor of the acclaimed "Shave N' Pooper", a cart on wheels which
allows you to shave while you're on the pot, was playing in a foursome
Wednesday afternoon with Chubby LaBarre and two other gentlemen he had
not met before. It turned out they both had moved into Parkinsaw about
a year ago. George Grayson, the older of the two, was just set to tee
off, when we all noticed a funeral proceeding along on US 2. Grayson
put down his driver, took off his hat, and placed his right hand over
his heart as a sign of respect for the deceased. We all followed suit.
When the procession had passed and was out of sight, we all
congratulated George Grayson for a class act. Grayson said "It's the
least I could do for my dear departed wife. It's just a shame I
couldn't change my tee time." And with that, George placed the ball on
the tee, and sent a 200 yard drive right down the middle of the
fairway."
In a related issue, the Parkinsaw Golf Association has announced a
trial program to
train a small number of pigs to serve as a kind of caddy for those
golfers with disabilities due to Parkinson's Disease. The pigs will
initially be trained to root out lost golf balls and return them to
their owners, thereby saving the golfers energy as well as time. The
idea involved the design of a little side car for the golf cart for the
pig to sit while waiting to go into action. The pigs will be
potty-trained to use the surrounding woods, to avoid soiling the
fairways and greens. Now, if we can get the geese to stay off the
greens we'd be all set. Unfortunately, geese aren’t as easy to train as
a pig. The new "Porker Putter" program will be coordinated with Chubby
LaBarre, president of Sty-King , the group which strives to improve the
image of the pig world-wide due to the sacrifice pigs have made in
connection with finding a cure for Parkinson's and for successful pig
tissue transportation operations. Sty-King is also the brainchild
behind the "Thousand Pennies for Parkinson's" program found on our web
site: www.mikeauldridge.com/parknsaw.htm.
We've been reporting on activities of the Parkinsaw Employment
Counseling Office where they advise candidates with Parkinson's Disease
about what jobs they should avoid depending upon the extent of their
disability. They decided career counseling was needed prior to sending
candidates for interviews because of a problem which developed when a
young man with Parkinson's was referred by the employment office to the
county sheriff's office which had advertised for a bomb technician
trainee. The young man, Charlie Knudsen, showed up at the sheriff's
office, took a written test, passed with flying colors, and was notified
that he had been hired two days later. He was on the job a week before
his supervisor noticed that he could hardly light a cigarette due to his
tremor let alone defuse a high-powered bomb. The Sheriff's Office was
upset, Charlie was upset and the Employment Counseling Office was
upset. So, they made changes to improve the way individuals with
serious disabilities were referred to job openings. The Sheriff's
Office placed him in a more suitable position and now they are all
happy.
Old Rasmussen has finally ordered his deep-freeze unit from Cold
Turkey, the "We Keep you cold so you won't grow old" people. The unit
will be delivered to his home in about two-weeks, and he's going to be
placed in deep-freeze until a cure is found for Parkinson's. He says
the only hurdle now is to test the unit on his pet pig "Spammy". Spammy
will be deep-frozen for 30 days and then slowly revived through
progressive thawing. Talking to us over a Levolager at the Northern
Lights, a somewhat concerned Rasmussen said, "I had no choice. I had to
volunteer Spammy when my wife declined the honor."
Speaking of the little Spammys of the world, the Sanctuary creatures
are all doing well. Both the Fabled Cincinnati Flying Pigs, and the
so-called Parcel Post pigs (so-named solely to differentiate them from
the Flying Pigs) are simply enthralled with their accommodations,
especially with the HBO hook-up, the soft beds and the food. They all
have been dining on Michigan Silver Queen corn on the cob. They're all
looking forward to the visit by Super Porkers Porky and Porquette
Porkinson.
Well folks, it looks like that's about it for this edition of the
Parkinsaw Weekly Chronicles. It's getting late, and the walleye
fishermen are coming in off the bay, hopefully with their legal limit.
We still have problems with the Zebra mussels, though, and the fish
population is still down, along with the water level. So, just a
thought--next time you're down in the dumps about Parkinson's Disease,
just remember the plight of the starving walleye. So we have a
disease. We'll survive because we have to. The alternative is not
acceptable. Now, repeat after me: "I will not let this disease rob me
of my God-given smile, laugh and sense of humor. These gifts are mine,
and no stupid disease is going to take them from me." Good. We'll see
you next time.
John Bjork
Parkinsaw, MI
