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Dateline Parkinsaw, MI: This afternoon, in this normally quiet community in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, a simple setting of calm and reason was shattered by the hurtling of a farmer's pitchfork at his eminence Porky Porkinson, just as he completed a rousing speech on the Pennies for Parkinson's program. Fortunately for Porky, one of the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs, practicing loops in the sky, saw the pitchfork heading for the guest of honor, and swooped down to divert the sailing missile into a wooded area where unfortunately Old Rasmussen was sitting on a blanket having a few Levolagers. Well, he now has one less Levolager to worry about. Porky is totally fine, and has been taken to a secret location for private talks with Chubby Labarre, President of Sty-King. Nails Noogan reported seeing a couple strange looking sorts, who obviously were up to no good, in the area prior to this cowardly attack. Says Noogan "They were disguised as dairy farmers, complete with denim clothes, straw hats, and pitchforks. But the minute I spotted those hoofs and that curly little tail I knew it was a pig and a boar, ready to cause trouble. Then, before I knew it, the boar heaved that pitchfork like a lance, right at Porky. If it hadn't been for the Fabled Flying Pigs....". The Michigan Wolverines have been unleashed and are on the prowl disguised as "a very large and hirsute Polka Band," and heaven help those sneaky cowards if the Wolverines find them before we do. This has been a special report from Parkinsaw, MI. John Bjork