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The Weekly Chronicles A View from the Lighter Side of PD Parkinsaw, MI June 27, 1999 Good afternoon, and welcome to the Parkinsaw Chronicles, a weekly report from Parkinsaw, MI, a community for Parkinsonians, located in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. Although this week we were honored by the historic visit by his eminence Porky Porkinson, the celebration was interrupted by a cowardly pitchfork attack on Porky by parties unknown at this time. Here's a capsule of yesterday's events: This weekend we were fortunate to have the use of the previously top-secret Pig-Human interpreter system called Pig Human Assisted Translator System or PHATS, to facilitate information exchange with Porky and the other porkers. Developed by the National Security Agency, PHATS was used extensively during the Bay of Pigs imvasion and after to obtain intelligence information on Cuba. Highly trained pigs were air dropped using miniature parachutes to avoid Cuban Radar, and once on the ground, would root out essential information such as Russian missile locations. The pigs were taught to swim to Key West once they had enough intelligence gathered. Unfortunately, for the porker spies, however, was the overlooked fact that Cubans love their Lechon Asado (roast pork), and they were quickly captured and, well, turned into Sunday dinner. Fortunately, however, technology developed to debrief the pigs upon their return survived, and through the good offices of Dudley Dowrong, we obtained the use of PHATS for the Porkinson visit. Mr. Porkinson arrived Saturday at 11:15 via Hog Wash Airlines, and was immediately taken to a safe-Sty located within the Sanctuary, for security reasons. We had received sketchy intelligence reports from CT about possible trouble from a maverick Parcel Post Pig and an accomplice, a deranged boor. With our security team on high alert, Porky was given a tour of the Sanctuary, a private meeting with the Fabled Flying Pigs, a hand-shake ceremony with the Parcel Post Pigs, before addressing a large crowd outside the Muhammad Ali Civic Center. After his introduction, Porky spoke about the importance of the Pennies for Parkinson's effort nation-wide to help fund needed research to find the cure for Parkinson's Disease. Speaking through PHATS, Porky stated enthusiastically: "Ask not what pennies can do for you, ask what pennies will do to help find a cure for PD!" Porky went on to sing the praises of the new Pennies for Parkinson's cans, as eye-catching and very professional looking. Porky reminded everyone that these fund raising canisters could be ordered by calling The Parkinson Alliance, toll-free, at 888-3314673. Porky was about ready to wrap-up his presentation when suddenly from the spot known locally as the craggy hill, the unthinkable happened: Someone had launched a long pitchfork right at Porky Porkinson. While everyone froze in their tracks, an alert Fabled Cincy Flying Pig, who had been practicing looping maneuvers, dropped from the sky like a rock and at the last second diverted the pitchfork from its deadly trajectory to a near-by wooded area. Unharmed, but obviously shaken, Porky was taken to a secret location for private talks with Chubby Labarre, President of Sty-King. Nails Noogan reported seeing a couple strange looking sorts, who obviously were up to no good, in the area prior to this cowardly attack. Says Noogan "They were disguised as dairy farmers, complete with denim clothes, straw hats, and pitchforks. But the minute I spotted those hoofs and that curly little tail I knew it was a pig and a boar, ready to cause trouble. Then, before I knew it, that pitchfork came out of nowhere like a lance, right at Porky. If it hadn't been for the Fabled Flying Pigs....". After getting Porky out of harms way, The Michigan Wolverines were immediately unleashed and were on patrol disguised as "a very large and shaggy rock band" in an unsuccessful attempt to locate the strange pig and boar couple disguised as farmers. An intelligence report has implicated parties from CT, which is being currently followed-up by Dudley Dowrong. Security will be reviewed in preparation for next week's Parka-Thon and the important visit by Porquetta Porkinson. In spite of yesterday's horrific event, Porky did enjoy himself this morning. After unloading all the pounds of coins contributed under the Pennies for Parkinson's program, Porky was given the honor of being the first creature to be given a ride up in the sky on a Flying Pig. Porky, after viewing the great, wild and unspoiled countryside of Michigan's Upper Peninsula from the air, quipped "where's all the traffic?" Porky, of course, is used to the congestion and traffic deadlocks of the Nations Capitol. Porky and I went to the Northern Lights microbrewery for a couple Levolagers and pork-free bratwurst before taking his eminence to the airport. Porky departed on Hog Wash Airlines at 2PM for the flight back to Washington, D.C. Porky bears no hard feelings towards Parkinsaw or the Parcel Post Pigs. Said Porky upon entering the departure gate at the airport: "There's trouble everywhere. Personally, I've got too much work to do to help find a cure for this rotten disease to worry about some "loony tunes" wackos. I've enjoyed the visit, and look forward to seeing everyone again." Quite a gentleman that Porky Porkinson. So, with that we bring to a close another very eventful week up here in Parkinsaw. Although we're all looking forward to the Parka-Thon and Porquetta's visit, we could certainly do without the disruptive occurrences of this weekend. We'll all have to be on our toes for that strange couple disguised as farmers. Will they re-appear next weekend in another disguise? What do they want? John Bjork