The Parkinsaw Chronicles
July 1, 1999
Greetings from Parkinsaw, MI, home of the famous Parka-Thon, the 4th of
July celebration and festival for Parkinsonians and their friends.
Awards and special recognition are planned over the 4th for Ms. Emily
Piggy, first cousin to the famous Miss Piggy, the daring member of the
Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs who swooped down to divert the death-delivering
pitchfork to Porky Porky Porkinson Saturday. Ms. Piggy will be awarded
the Key to the City, a plaque from the Association of Retired
Intelligence Officers for Bravery, the United States Air Force Ribbon of
Merit for Unusual Airborne Achievements, and, will be nominated for Pig
of the Year. She will also receive several gifts from local merchants
including The Northern Lights microbrewery, The Basal Ganglia Steak
House, and The Piggery Store.
Ms. Piggy will also receive the first ever commendation issued by
Sty-King, confirms President Chubby Labarre. "The mission of Sty-King
is to promote the image of pigs in general, to reward contributions made
by pigs in our collective battle against Parkinson's Disease, and to
increase public awareness of PD anyway we can. By her bravery and
swift, decisive action, Ms. Piggy saved the life of one our most
valuable and respected spokespigs for the Pennies for Parkinson's
campaign, as well as for other Parkinson awareness initiatives, thereby
reflecting great credit upon herself, the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs and
pigs everywhere."
The dastardly attack on Porky seems to have galvanized The Parcel Post
Pigs and The Fabled Cincy Flying pigs, into a united front against those
who would conspire and plot against them to achieve their misguided
self-interests. Indeed, we could witness even greater collaborative
efforts this week-end among these porker groups, when ignited by the
Presence of Perky, Productive Porquetta Porkinson Perchance Poised to
Properly Prevail Pending PHATS Palaver with Pig Pilot Phnom. We don't
have Porquette's itinerary
Yet, but we're sure she's planning to make the trip.
Like a dark shadow upon a freshly painted wall, however, the reality of
recent, chilling events translates into new security concerns for this
weekend. Without revealing our plans, we can say the Wolverine
disguises have been changed, an ASLPBB (All-Suspicious Looking Pigs and
Boars Bulletin) was dispatched, and a detailed artist's sketch of the
dastardly duo has been circulated. Additionally, Dudley Dowrong had
sent one of his top investigators to CT to follow-up on reports of
conspiracy to cause harm to pigs, which, as many will recall, was the
cause which propelled the Parcel Post Pigs to the Sanctuary in the first
place. We have also been informed that the Dangerous Duo was last seen
entering the PolkaNet, a rundown beer joint of ill-repute featuring a
jukebox of old polka tunes. In reality, PolkaNet is short for
Polkanette, an infamous dancehall girl at the Soo Line Bar back when
copper, iron and timber were king in Upper Michigan. The PolkaNet has
surfaced in several federal investigations, and is thought to be a
possible front for illegal activity. What was the disguised pig and
boar duo doing in the PolkaNet, when it is well known that neither pigs
nor boars are particularly fond of polka music? Did they have business
there? How does the attack on Porky Porkinson tie in? Another report
suggests the pig member of the duo is one DD Deville, a Parcel Post Pig
officially AWOL, who never arrived at the Sanctuary from CT. Is Deville
really AWOL, or has he met with a more serious and troubling demise?
And, who is this boar who is reported to be from NY: "Dum, Dum, Dum,
Dum, Dum, Dum Ditty, Talk About the Boar from New York City!"
Well as you can see the boys from Parkinsaw have their work cut out for
them the rest of the week. Our security measures must be in place and
working properly by this weekend, or else Porquetta Porkinson will be in
real danger. I hate to admit it, but it might be just the right time to
put in a call to the GandyDancer, a mysterious soldier of fortune and
railroad bum. A tactical genius, the GandyDancer was a Special Forces
operative in Cuba, Viet Nam, Kuwait and the Balkans. When he isn't
fighting a war, he hops freight trains all over the country, roaming
from town to town and living on debit cards.
That's the top of the latest news as it looks from here. Don't
forget: Do not let old grumpy PD rob you of God's gifts to you of your
smile, laugh and sense of humor. We'll see you next week when we report
on the Parka-Thon festivities.
