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The Parkinsaw Chronicles July 7, 1999 Well, everyone, the 1999 Fourth of July in Parkinsaw, MI, is now history. The Parka-Thon was a great success, and was highlighted by the appearance of Porquetta Porkinson at the award ceremony outside Muhammad Ali Civic Center on Saturday to recognize and honor Ms. Piggy, that valiant member of the Fabled Cincy Pigs who single-hoofed zoomed out of the sky at the last moment to save his eminence from either a serious wound or death last week, by deflecting a very sharp pitchfork thrown with uncanny force right at Porky. The security team of Dudley Dowrong, Nails Noogin, the Master of Disguises, The Michigan Wolverines, who this weekend donned no fewer than four clever costumes, including one as a troupe of Dancing Russian Bears, and the Fabled Flying Pigs who flew aerial reconnaissance throughout the festivities, all distinguished themselves as no untoward acts took place. The strange-looking pig-boar duo was not in evidence as far as we know, although two cases of Levolager beer were stolen during the ceremony, and the empty bottles were arranged in a circle with the numbers 666 appearing in the center along with several candles and eight tiny cloven hoof prints. What could this all mean? One clue has surfaced: A distributor delivering an order of Twinkies to the PolkaNet establishment, accidentally opened the door to the back room area and took note of a makeshift alter, complete with candles, and the numbers '666'. The award ceremony itself, unmarred by the unsettling satanic ritual trappings, went off splendidly. Porquetta Porkinson praised the valor and heroism displayed by Ms. Piggy, spoke highly of the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs, and had kind words for the Parcel Post Pigs as well. Following the example of her brother Porky, Porquetta stressed the importance of raising public awareness for Parkinson's Disease, and for the Pennies for Parkinson's campaign. Following the ceremony, Porquetta was guest of honor at the Judge's Table for the Parka-Thon competitive events, which she enjoyed thoroughly, especially the Pig-Assisted Pogo Stick Races and the Putting Parley. Later that evening, the fireworks were held over Parkinsaw Bay, accompanied by the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs, who flew sorties against the backdrop of the fiery darkness. The Parcel Post Pigs, of course, given the first aerial ride by the Flying Pigs, by none other than heroine Ms. Piggy, followed Porquetta. Portrait artist Freddy Fudd has been commissioned to do a painting of the night sky entitled "Pigs over Parkinsaw," complete with fireworks. It has also been learned that the Parkinsaw Craftsmen will be introducing commemorative "Flying Pigs" pins, in both silver and gold, which will sold on the internet for $10 and $25 respectively, with profits being donated to Pennies for Parkinson's coffers. There have also been discussions about similar pins for Porky and Porquetta Porkinson. The highlight of Parka-Thon traditionally has been the competitive events, and this year was no exception. Here are the results of the major events: The pasta eating contest was won by Chubby Labarre who wielded those chopsticks like he was born with them, spilling very little of that red sauce on his white dress shirt. Runner up was Maude Olsen, who simply couldn't master the chopsticks or the red Spanish wine boda. Tom Shelton took the Pig-Assisted Pogo Stick Race honors, and Jimmy Olson won the Rusty Man Marathon. The marathon was a real challenge this year in that it involved a half-mile run carrying a pig, a 25-yard swim holding on to a watermelon, and a half-mile bike ride. The fish boning and eating contest featuring fresh Perch was won by Bobby Benson, who boned and ate 32 Perch in 15 minutes, only missing 140 bones, one of which stuck in his throat resulting in a visit to the ER. We'll go visit his as soon as he can talk. The annual egg toss was won by Lillian Hanson and her daughter Candy, who managed to extend their toss distance to thirty yards before splattering it all over Lillian's dress. The Card Shuffling Contest was won by Billy "Tremor" Smith who managed to shuffle two decks of cards before a sudden spasm sent the cards flying. The fun part of the competitive events this year involved a new category called Domestic Challenges: Opening a 5-liter wine box and extracting the dispensing spigot was won by Bob Benoit, who took only 45 minutes to accomplish the feat; George Grayson won the Letter Mailing Competition where he folded 10 sheets of paper, inserted them into envelopes, and placed stamps on them in a record-time of 12 minutes. And, Old Rasmussen, in spite of his world-class tremor, had the fastest time to take a newspaper, open it to the op-ed pages, and then fold the pages back-to-back, without shredding the paper in the process. Well, everyone, Parkinsaw is getting back to normal now that the Parka-Thon is over. Porky and Porquetta are back home safe and sound, the Flying Pigs are exhausted but happy, and the Parcel Post Pigs are as content as they could be. All, of course, are still concerned about the strange happenings involving the dangerous and unpredictable AWOL Pig and Cowardly NYC Boar, so we're all still on high alert here. The Gandy Dancer arrives this week so we'll be breathing somewhat easier. Until next week, don't you dare let old Mr. PD rob you of God's gift to you of your smile, laugh and sense of humor. John Bjork