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more smiles for today. . . enjoy! - cari Andyisms Subject: Andy Rooney-isms from 60 Minutes While you read these try to picture and hear Andy Rooney with his whiney voice saying these things: On ads in bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? As if bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels . . . I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank you. On fabric softeners: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April-fresh scent out of your clothes. Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh? of the church of Holy Moly. I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in Heck? Morning differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my god...give me your hand. . . It won't be long now . . . Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I sometimes live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.