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I've always like Dangerfield's self defacing humor: > RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS > > > > A girl phoned me the other day and said ... "Come on > > over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. > > > > One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy > > jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy .... why are > > you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." > > > > Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a > > shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the > > handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. > > > > When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. > > > > I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were > > a toaster and a radio. > > > > My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she > > only liked me as a friend. > > > > My father carries around the picture of the kid who came > > with his wallet. > > > > When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting > > room and said to my father.... I'm very sorry. We did > > everything we could...... But he pulled through. > > > > My mother had morning sickness-after I was born. > > > > I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece > > of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. > > > > Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to > > help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll > > ever find them?" He said ..."I don't know kid ... there are so > > many places they can hide." > > > > My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. > > > > I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. > > > > I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get > > up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong > > with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect." > > > > I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping > > pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. >