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Here's the poem.. Sorry for the goof! LAZARUS Mornings were a dull routine Immobile Many hors would pass until my brain's command My anxious limbs its tortured message reached And permitted steps, first halting Like a child would take Then runstumble Strangers asked: "What troubles him? His legs like branches on a mishaped tree Do move in deformed harmony." I The day began normally for me. Up at five. Run. At seven leave. Drive there on the 401. Arive shaking from the tension Of driving. Or so I thought. Until the doctor said: "Parkinson's" Esther cried. The doctor said: "You will tie flies agan" The fool had no sense of what's important. Nor had I. I tried to hide the shaking hand The dragging foot. To no avail. One day I said: "No, not hangover. Parkinson's No pain No movement No work Pension at forty-five. A baker's dozen year now I raged like Samson I did not curse God I tried to understand Why me? There is no reason There never is So, why not me? It is perverse Some days I move at will Others cannot despite my will It moves in leaps as if to curb My pleasure. I am trapped inside my body. But not in prison. For I have much to do before I go I must complete the task, Fulfil the vision. II There are otherswho do not know Why they are different Or what makes them so They live in squalor and Fear Of what they do not know. Because we are indifferent Because we care more for the far away Than the near Bosnia, not Regent's Park New neighbourhoods to us Xenophobia is powerful We are afraid of what we do not know. The Good Samaratin shared not our fears He helped without reward We have neither Soul nor imagination We care what others think Emotion does not show It is unmanly To stop before satiety Or so we think. III He said: "The poor are always with us" Do not make Him a liar For He is perfect And cannot lie. We are or brother's keeper Providence keeps us. We defy it hedonically Always testing limits We are the hollow men And do not now it. We whimper at affronts to comfort And repeat old words That cleanse guilt Like silver polish No effort. We go about from day to day Seeing nothing but footsteps. Smelling only the ordinary and execrable, Feeling nothing but itchen textures and Bedroom emotions. What closes or eyes to wonder? Our touch to the exquisite? Our minds to the unknown? Why are we afraid to explore the beyond? Examine the rose without thought of time Or consequence? Shut off all around Let concentration become meditation Surrounded by what was always there Now understood. Creation transforms us If we let it, into New people freed of the opaquing caul That clouds the senses Numbs the mind. IV We do not think Of disability When we are young We will be forever young Perfection We look for and find not. Now half the time I cannot walk Cannot write Speech is slurred I can see and Hear And touch Pain is transient It is easy to sit and Not initiate ... anything. People understand that it is hard. The anguish of a song unsung, A book unwritten is as impotence To creation. We are free to choose. We become the passive people Beneficiaries of goodwill expressed Without asking us What, when, where ... We would like ... No matter ... they know best We only have PD The object of their charity. I am Lazarus. There are gradations of Hell. I know them all. I am not a survivor. I am the strongest and best I must be To endure Hell. I am Lazarus I am not chosen I have made the choice To be free V Waiting, Endlessly ... Preparation, three days of tests Word games, memory, spatial, Meds on ... meds off ... performance Videotaping me waling, moving and immobile. The Social Contract, so-called ... Richard Hooker looks down in horror The perverted se of noble thought Destroys the polity. Hence the waiting For an O.R. False alarms ... then Go back home. VI Skull bolted to the table Immobilized For the duration. Wide awake. No sedation. The only sensation The acrid bouquet Of he drill going through bone. Three hundred minutes in the O.R. Alert It worked An end to deformed harmony. Technology and humanity Combine to perform a miracle. There is wonder in life In God's Creation. How do I thank the medical team? They did their jobs Professionally. Gave me new life Resurrection. Good cheer and labor on some more Reap the joy I radiate Walking, Laughing. Your care released me from that older trap. I am Lazarus October - December 1993