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The Parkinsaw Chronicle Commemorative Edition August 15, 1999 Lighten-Up with SPARKLE Well, this is the first weekly report in several weeks from Parkinsaw, and it feels great to be back into the daily grind of an editor/reporter. It's a fun place to live and visit especially if you happen to have Parkinson's Disease---which covers about 80% of the residents here. The very enjoyable 4th of July Parka-Thon of course went off without a hitch, with many happy winners. When you see Parkinsonians engaging in a egg toss, pasta eating contest with red sauce and wine, while dressed up in a white dress suit, eating with chop sticks, a pogo stick contest, and a card shuffling test of dexterity the results are, well, funny would be too mild. Next year we're going to be adding a pick-up-sticks contest, and we'll be sure to require safety glasses, 'cause those sticks will be flying! We went down to Skinny's Bar and Grill last night to celebrate Tom Shelton's continued success with the Bait-Buddy, which allows him to fasten minnows onto a hook and to fish in peace without worrying about the minnows being shaken off. They stay on….in spite of Tom's advanced Parkinson's tremors. We drank our weight in Levolagers listening to Carr Soderman play his flamenco guitar, in spite of his tremor, and watch Porcine, the world's only living dancing flamenco pig. Quite a show. It's now time to clarify and explain the developments affecting our visitors over at the Porker Sanctuary. Last heard, the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs, Porky Porkinson and his little sister Porquetta, and the Parcel Post Pigs from CT were having a grand old time in the Sanctuary, laughing and chortling about the way the Michigan Wolverines and the Tasmanian Devil completely out-pigged the dastardly Razorback hogs when they attempted to penetrate the Sanctuary. As you may recall, the attack was repelled, the razorbacks given a sound thrashing, and last seen were limping across the Mackinac Straights Bridge enroute to Detroit. They were followed by one of the Dancer's operatives who subsequently reported that the razorbacks had so enjoyed an outing at Tiger Stadium that they found apartments and jobs in Detroit, managed to secure season tickets to the Tiger's baseball games, and were attending a local community college where they were studying animal husbandry. Then disaster struck. We were informed that the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs had bolted without warning from the Sanctuary, had crashed and burned in Ohio, and were being made into a particularly spicy sausage. It was further reported that Porky and Porquetta Porkinson had also met their demise, having been bitten by a trio of rabid Pit Bulls while soliciting donations for Pennies for Parkinson's. And, mysteriously, the Parcel Post Pigs from CT on their very own, arranged to be hidden in pork chop crates, loaded in a U-Haul truck, and spirited off to CT without so much as an oink-oink. So, with the Sanctuary dark as a dungeon and damp as the dew, the saga of the Parkinsaw pigs came to a disappointing end. No more free rides on the backs of the Flying Pigs! No more impassioned speeches by Porky Porkinson on the merits of the Pennies for Parkinson's campaign! No more cute little curly tails Protruding from the Parcel Post Pigs. It was over. The mighty Michigan Wolverines, the whirling dervish-like antics of the Tasmanian Devil, The Gandy Dancer, Dudly Dowrong, Nails Noogan and others were gone for good. Or so we thought. Or so we thought. Sometimes, things aren't exactly what they seem to be. I am happy as a fly in pig droppings to stand here and tell you that the Fabled Cincy Flying Pigs, and the Parcel Post Pigs, and all security forces listed above, are now back in residence at the sanctuary, safe and sound, following one of the most bizarre and successful intelligence operations carried out in recent memory. While details of this astounding operation must for now remain under close hold, suffice it to say that the deception was necessary due to the most devious, evil plan discovered just in the nick of time by the Dancer's operatives, which involved a plot to attack the Sanctuary with tactical nuclear weapons. Faced with this frightening news, the security team at the Sanctuary led by The Dancer designed a deception operation which led the forces of evil into thinking that the Prominent Popular Pigs of Parkinsaw Plus Porky and Porquetta Porkinson had all met their demise. First the rumor was started that the Flying Pigs had been turned into sausage by greedy pig famers after fatally crashing, because they were so soused from celebrating with cases of Levolager beer that they didn't know which way was up and started flying upside down. This rumor was fueled by news leaks to the press that the Prominent Pickled Pigs crash landed at the Dayton airport, and were then subsequently sold to the BallPark Sausage People. Once the rumor had been successfully planted about the Flying Pigs, the story about Porky and Porquetta was fed to mayor newspapers, and went unquestioned. The subsequent story sending the CT Parcel Post Pigs off on a wild pig chase completed the deception. Our intelligence sources reported that the plan to use tactical nukes against the sanctuary had been scrapped. Crisis averted. All the Prominent Pigs were dead. Or so they thought. The truth of the matter is that the Prominent Pigs had spent a month in an abandoned Federal Emergency Management Agency facility which was used in the past as a Presidential retreat in the event of nuclear attack. Now, with the crisis over, the pigs have all returned to the Sanctuary. Again, although operational details surrounding the neutralization of the nuclear threat by the Sanctuary security forces must remain Top Secret, I can tell you a certain island which contained the headquarters of a strange religious cult vowing to eliminate all Prominent Pigs everywhere is no longer in evidence. Lesson learned: Don't plan a nuclear attack against the Gandy Dancer. The lights in the Sanctuary are on again, and the Prominent Pigs are back. Let the saga begin anew! John Bjork The Parkinson Chronicle Parkinsaw, MI ******************* To enjoy more pig-tales & other fun come join SPAARKLE TO JOIN SPARKLE: Send an (empty) email to: [log in to unmask] Then you will receive further list-instructions. Messages to the list SPARKLE should be sent to: SPARKLE <[log in to unmask]> If you have any problems, questions, comments or suggestions please send them to the list-owners at: [log in to unmask]