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> "Winterize your lawn," the big sign outside the garden store
> commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a
> lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize it? I hope
> it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've
> come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle
> dandelions, Queen Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover
> that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed
> through an annual four-step chemical dependency.
>
> Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis
> about this:
>
> "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is
> going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the
> dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a
> perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type
> of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar
> from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and
> flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by
> now. But all I see are these green rectangles."
>
> "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They
> started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to
> kill them and replace them with grass."
>
> "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
> butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
> temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
> all that grass growing there?"
>
> "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it
> green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning
> any other plant that crops up in the lawn."
>
> "The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really
> fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy."
>
> "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -
> sometimes twice a week."
>
> "They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?"
>
> "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags."
>
> "They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"
>
> "No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."
>
> "Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
> grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
> away?"
>
> "Yes, sir."
>
> "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back
> on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
> saves them a lot of work."
>
> "You aren't going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing
> so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they
> can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."
>
> "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
> sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow
> leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In
> the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to
> keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus,
> as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a
> natural circle of life."
>
> "You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new
> circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles
> and have them hauled away."
>
> "No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
> winter and keep the soil moist and loose?"
>
> "After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they
> call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the
> leaves."
>
> "And where do they get this mulch?"
>
> "They cut down trees and grind them up."
>
> "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
> Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you
> scheduled for us tonight?"
>
> "Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie about..."
>
> "Never mind I think I just heard the whole story."
>