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> ----------------------------------------------------------------- > anger 98/04/29 > ----------------------------------------------------------------- > > > hi john > > you wrote, in part: > >> [hanging on to] anger > >> is like burning down the house > >> to catch the mouse > >> > >> [paraphrased] lao tsu > > > >This sounds like anger is a bad thing?... > > not at all > but it needs care-full examination as to its cause > and care-full consideration as to its mode of expression > > >OK, hanging on to it forever is destructive, > > exactly > otherwise known as 'nursing a grudge' > which can also translate into bitter unforgiving > which is where the self destructive aspect comes in > [i.e. burning the house down] > > >...but *my* problem has always been that I've been > >too compliant! I've always let people run me over... > > i know this one well - > the 'mr/ms nice guy/gal syndrome' > > we think that we will gain approval/validation > by 'doing' or 'being' what others want us to 'do' or 'be' > we think we need to gain approval/validation > > we don't need it > we already have it > we can't 'get it' from others > > we have it within us > it came with the package > we have simply forgotten where we put it > > >and finally I have been standing > >there feeling like "nobody listens"... > > that's where the frustration comes in > we can't 'make' others do anything > we can't 'make' them listen to us > we can't 'make' them like us > > no matter how much > we think we want/need them to > > another side of that coin is > nothing that others do can 'make' us feel anything > > we create our own emotions > through our perceptions of others' actions > and the meanings/baggage that we attach to them > > >Anger doesn't have to mean yelling and striking people! > >It can also be that intense feeling of 'what they are doing > >to me is wrong! I will not let them do it to me!'... > > absolutely > acting in an assertive manner > can result from anger or from other feelings > but self-assertion is not the same thing as aggression > > assertion is a positive act > based on knowing one's 'worth' is beyond doubt > > aggression is a negative act > based on fear that one's 'worth' is under threat > > >For me, it is the driving force that gives me > >energy to stand up and fight when others ignore me > >and my value (as well as the value of others)... > > whew! > this sounds like anger/adrenalin > arising out of a perceived injustice > and a desire to 'right the wrong' > > i think that the trick/work here > is in our perception of the 'injustice' > the 'injustice' may in fact be something else altogether > > we always have a choice > as animals we can act on instinct > as humans we can act without thinking > as mature humans we can think before acting > > thanks for dragging this out of me, john > [i think!] > > your cyber-sibling > > janet > > [who used to set records in grudge-keeping] > > > ----------------------------------------------------------------- janet paterson 52 now / 41 dx / 37 onset e-mail: [log in to unmask] a new voice: http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Village/6263/