gratitude  -  never!

acceptance  -  maybe

i have ti disagree.
PD i something iu fight against
PD is not something i am grateful for
some of the things PD has brought me
i may not have had
and for some of those things i give thanks
 but pd
     never!
i will never be grateful 
for the circumstance that 
robbed me of my children
robbed me of my home
robbed me of ,my ability to earn
robbed me of a stranger's respect
  who addresses  comments meant for me to my companion
robbed me of family life
robbed me of my credibility 
 as a total human being.

yes, i have become another person
knocking on doors at capitol hill
accepting charity
going to court to fight for my children
seeing my children grow up without me
looking for where i can be of positive value
sharing my experiences with others
that they may learn from my mistakes
keeping my sense of humour alive
 - and with it, a sense of proportion
and trying to be a support to others
in my situation

grateful - never
but i have learned to live with it
and try and make the best of it
and i am determined to survive it.

hilary blue
51,33,24




Janet Quist wrote:
> 
> (from Camilla)Hi Jan--- yes, I read it, and it is a fine personal statement
> of the
> importance of attitude in coping with disease--or anything else, for that
> matter!  Would you be willing to share it on the list? On the PD website?
> As for the kids' book, it sounds great--I hope you will let everyone know
> when it is available.  There are now so many YOPDs with young kids, and
> something to help them explain it is surely needed.
> 
> (From me to Camilla)Yes, it is about PD. It is called ""My Mommy  has PD -
> But It's Okay!"  It is
> >written on a third grade reading level.  It was supposed to be published by
> >now but she wants to start by printing 10,000 of them and is having
> >difficulty finding someone to fund it.
> 
> Hi! I'm pretty new here but Camilla asked me to share some writing I did a
> while back so here goes::
>                         The Path to Gratitude
>                             By Jan Quist
> 
>     I am thankful that I have Parkinson's Disease!  I am saying this with a
> straight face!  I knowâ*|all Parkies have a straight face, but it is really the
> truth!  I certainly did not always feel this way.  The journey was long and
> arduous with many problems and doubts along the way.  But one day I took a
> detour and it changed my life forever.
>     I was a 3rd grade teacher - a job I dearly loved.  I was married for
> twenty years with a teen-age son and life was good.  Then I noticed I had
> trouble reading to the kids at school- a task that they and I dearly loved.
> I used to dramatically use different voices for the characters and make
> climactic pausesâ*|I was on stage, my audience was rapt and I was getting paid
> to have this fun!  Then suddenly I was reading like a freight train running
> off the track and they couldn't hear me as well.  I started getting cramps in
> my left foot when I was driving or "under stress" and all of a sudden, my
> handwriting was shrinking.  I started getting anxious and depressed.  I had
> the typical problems with diagnosis (or should I say "mis-diagnosis") and
> then started playing Psychiatrist/Tests/Doctor/Drugs Roulette - with me,
> feeling like the Roulette wheel - spinning around, going nowhere fast,
> without much pay-off!  For two years, I was puzzled by these mysterious
> symptoms, troubled by being unable to teach (or talk!) the way I had been
> able to before, frustrated by doctors who wouldn't really listen, or couldn't
> diagnose correctly, and in the meantime, drugged into a stupor in which I did
> not even recognize myself.  To say the least, I felt despair, anxiety about
> my career and family, frustration with the unending symptoms, and finally
> complete depression over the whole darn mess!
>     One day I was writhing on the floor in pain and dyskinesia from
> over-doses of a drug prescribed to "help" me, I couldn't eat because my mouth
> had open sores from another medication, and I could barely talk well enough
> to even describe what was happening to me!  I was angry, confused, and
> desperate (known in 12-step plans as "hitting bottom").  I couldn't seem to
> control anything that was happening to me!  My son had always called me a
> "control freak"- (he was 16 at the time- need I say more?) - although I
> suspect there was more than a grain of truth in his accusation.   It was at
> this moment of despair when my life came together for me!
>     I had been a daily reader of Sarah Ban Breathnach's book Simple Abundance
> and also tried to keep her daily Gratitude Journal.   It is actually funny to
> read back on it now.  First of all, I can't read my own writing, and
> secondly, I was so mixed-up, I didn't know what week it was half of the time
> much less what day and I kept repeating the same things, and I kept repeating
> the same things!
>     It was at a distinct moment that I tried the only thing that I had not
> yet triedâ*|gratitude.  My father (a very wise man) and Sarah (after three
> years of reading her books, I was on a first name basis with her) along with
> the Bible, had all said, "Give thanks in all circumstances." ( I
> Thessalonians 5:18)   They couldn't have meant nowâ*|or could they?â*|
>     I was so tired from not sleeping, had cried my tears dry, and my foot was
> cramping like crazy, but I dragged myself off the bed and got on my knees.  I
> held my head in my hands and said, "Okay, God.  I can't control what is
> happening to me.  I give up.  Take control, and lead me.  Andâ*|thank you for
> this disease."
>     Two friends had referred me to a Dr. Michael Rezak, so the next morning,
> I tried calling his office.  The receptionist told me that his office was
> closed because they had too many patients.  I must have sounded pretty
> pathetic because she did let me speak to my new "angel", Sue the nurse.
> After a few minutes, Sue said, "You know whatâ*|we have had a cancellation for
> next Tuesday.  Why don't you stop in?"  A ray of hopeâ*|I somehow sensed
> something good about to happen.
>     The principal at my school had the good sense to know that I should not
> drive alone or be trusted to relay my own symptoms accurately or even
> remember what they would tell me.   (Such confidenceâ*|but accurate!)  She
> designated a competent teacher/friend to go with me.  When the Dynamic Duo,
> Dr. Rezak and Sue Silvio, his nurse, ended our session by saying, " We want
> to put you in the hospital and take you off all of this medicine to hopefully
> find out what is really wrong with you.  We like puzzles around here!"â*|and
> Sue ended the session by saying,  "Don't leave yet - we also like hugs around
> here too!",  I knew I had been led to the right spot.
>     There was still quite a journey left to go, but this time it was a
> peaceful one.  The nine days in the hospital were a quiet reflective time of
> reading, praying, talking to friends and family, entertaining visitors, and
> enjoying the daily visit of my faithful parents.  A huge burden was taken off
> of my shoulders when I realized that I could take all of my sick days and
> just stay home to recover.  A fellow colleague and friend would take my class
> until I could return.  The administration at my school could not have been
> more understanding.
>     And so, after twenty-some years of working, I had time to smell the
> roses, relax, read, take daily walks with my dogs, get massages from the most
> nurturing soul in the universe, and reflect on what was happening to me.
>     What was happening was not only a change in my body, but a change in my
> spirit, my attitude, and my entire view of the universe.  I had defined
> myself as a teacher for so long, and I now learned that I had value as a
> person outside of that realm.  I had tried to juggle so many balls at one
> time, to stay so busy, and be in control of myself and everyone around me
> that it took this illness to make me see that I have only control of my own
> attitude and reactions to what was happening to me.  Charles Swindoll has
> said, "The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
> We cannot change our past, the fact that people will act in a certain way, or
> the inevitable.  The only string we can play is our attitude.  I am convinced
> that life is 10% of what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it."
>     My pal, Sarah Ban Breathnach, (the author) talks about a wonderful
> Hasidic parable about the power of gratitude to change the course of our
> destiny in "a heartbeat, the speed, I imagine, it takes for a 'thank you' to
> reach Heaven's ears."  The parable goes like this:
>     "Once times were tough. Two men - both poor farmers- were walking down a
> country lane and met their Rabbi.  "How is it for you?" he asked the first
> man.  "Lousy," he grumbled, bemoaning his lot and lack.  Terrible, hard,
> awful.  Life is not worth getting out of bed for."
>     Now, God was eavesdropping on this conversation.  "Lousy?" the Almighty
> thought.  "You think your life is lousy now, you ungrateful lout?  I'll show
> you what lousy is!"
>     Then the Rabbi turned to the second man.  "And you, my friend?"
>     "Ah, Rabbi- life is good.  God is so gracious, so generous.  Each morning
> when I awaken, I'm grateful for the gift of another day, for I know, rain or
> shine, it will unfold in wonders too bountiful to count.  Life is good."
>     God smiled as the second man's thanksgiving soared upwards until it
> became one with the harmony of the heavenly hosts.  Then the Almighty roared
> with delighted laughter.  "Good?  You think your life is good now?  I'll show
> you what good is!"
>     I feel like the "thank you" that I offered up in the depths of my despair
> was a gift of faith, trust, and hope.  And have the blessings flowed in my
> life!  I have a new, challenging job in the same school district as a
> Curriculum Coordinator.  I am able to work many hours at home, sometimes in
> the middle of the night when insomnia keeps me "perking".  I have had to find
> the courage to speak in front of my fellow teachers and found them smiling
> encouragement back at me.  I have begun to enjoy solitude and spending time
> with myself- I'm not a bad companion!  I appreciate every day that I can
> still be independent, still drive, or walk my dogs.  I enjoy daily "chats"
> with my 79-year-old mom who learned how to use a computer so she can e-mail
> her children.  (She is hard-of-hearing and I am "hard-of-talking!")  And I
> certainly do love and appreciate my family and friends - most of whom know
> when to humor me, leave me alone, tell me to "take a nap", or  when to just
> help.  Humor has played a large role in my attitude towards Parkinsons, and
> don't you know that when you fall over backwards while squatting down in a
> store, and all that your friend sees is your derriere in the air,  I
> sheepishly look around to see if anyone else saw me, accept Sue's "hand up"
> and then think, now THAT must have looked funny!
> 
> Sorry this was so long - if you are still with me that is---
> Jan
> 51/47/45?