PD & ME

Like a snake, slithering silently up on it's prey
Or a sneak thief,  cowardly slipping away
something begins to steal my body from me
First, part of my vision disappears, so I can no longer see
not fast, oh no, that would merely be bad
but so slowly I didn't  miss what I no longer had
Until I finally lost so much sight
that even the day resembles the night
Test followed test
And one doctor follows another in giving his guess
But none know for sure, and life goes on
it's just the peripheral vision, not that much can be wrong
and nothing else seems to be touched,
perhaps this is why I seem to fall so much,
Maybe it will stop here...
But that doesn't quiet my innermost fear.
And next my legs don't want to work, and the feet curl inward
Walking is so hard, and my movement is hindered
And falls come more often, along with broken bones
Days are bad enough, but at night I can't hide the moans.
More tests, more doctors, more guesswork
and still no one can give me a name
Doctors still trying to outguess other doctors
Like it's all some type of game
Then a foot starts shaking, and never stops
A hand curls up, and strums my shoulder a lot
and more tests follow, with more guesses and still no answers ,
is it my imagination, those sideways  glances?
With the guesses come prescriptions and bills
One wears out, but the other never will
and another diagnosis, with a brand new pill
But this one is great, and for four hours at a time
my old body is back, and it's really like mine
Oh what a joy, to run and play ,or ride and drive,
And for the first time in years, I feel really alive
But the price I pay, not just for doctors and meds -
When the pills wear off, that's the time I dread
Helpful strangers staring, or calling for help
Me feeling so freakish,  pain making me yelp.
Inside I'm still me, a cowboy at heart
But no one can see that inner part
My face is a mask, my limbs twisted and locked
and if some brave soul touches them, they feel like a rock.
And the meds aren't a cure, they just hide the symptoms
and the disease waits inside for when they are no longer effective
to spring out of hiding, like a curse or invective
During the long nights, when the pain is so bad,
I stare at the stars, and wish I could get mad
at God or fate, or whatever might be
Cause something is to blame, could it be me?
As I've already said, inside I'm the same,
But sometimes I wish so badly I had something to blame -
something to take this hate from my heart
and ease the pain of existing, at least in part
But there is no cause, no virus, no cure
Of this lousy fact the damn doctors are sure
so they raise the narcotics, to keep down the pain
Who cares what goes on, inside the brain
And tears stay inside, mostly unshed
Along with the other monsters in my head
And I know the day will never come true
When the man who is inside, will be the same man you view.
So next time you see someone strange on the street
Look them in the eye, don't stare at their feet
Cause inside, to them, they are still the same
and your "kindness" of not staring, causes so much pain.
that the tears inside fall like rain.

bob armentrout, copyright 2000





                                        A NEW MOON

A new moon is rising
above the hill tops
they call mountains here.
I sit in an old boat,
thinking about the two of you.
Your years together,
and the changes
that's been made in your world.
I think of Grandpa, moving to Texas,
and old model T trucks.
And I wonder how many back then
would have scoffed at the idea of a truck
driving 70mph,
or gasoline costing $1.90 a gallon.
And I wonder how the two of you met,
and how he proposed to Grammer.
I remember driving by that big old house in Nixon,
and wondering what stories it could tell.
About two boys and a girl, all who grew up,
moved away and graduated college.
Or about a little boy being chased around an outhouse by a goose.
And I think about families getting together to kill a beef
because there wasn't any other way to keep meat fresh.
Farming all night, and working all day,
to keep food on the table
And I think how lonely Grammer must have been
when Grandpa was in the south pacific
and what a joyful time it must have been when he came home.
Then I think of all the years and adventures I can remember -
camping trips in tents and pop-up campers
Colorado and Canada
Mexico and North Dakota
Fishing, and watching Grammer catch the biggest fish
always just using an old cane pole.
And I remember her black eye,
and tying a deer's legs together with her scarf.
And Grandpa teaching me how to roof a house,
fix an engine
and be a man.
I think of old engines, and holiday dinners
Knitted sweaters and trips all over the nation,
And two laps, always available,
there in a rocking chair,
whenever you needed a hug.
I watch the moonlight dance on the waves,
showing black and silver
and I know it's shining on you tonight too.
As I think of all the memories you've given me,
I know I've truly been blessed,
to have the two of you for grandparents,
and I send you my thanks and my love on your anniversary
I hope you have a wonderful day together.
bob
bob armentrout  copyright 2000

                                        BLUE EYES


Two sets of blue eyes haunt my dreams
Both brim with unshed tears
Both with a claim on my soul
Both declaring their love for me.
One has the comfort of years' past on her side,
The soothing feelings of the familiar,
and the knowledge of a shared life
But those blue eyes were also blind
to so much pain and loneliness.
The other blue eyes are full
of compassion and love.
They don't come with the benefit of shared experiences,
Or the ease of the familiar
but they see so deeply inside me.
One will cry with joy,
the other will cry with pain.
Tears will fall, and hearts will weep.
Time will ease the pain
and joy will be seen in both sets of eyes.
But blue eyes, brimming with tears,
Haunt my memories.

bob armentrout copyright 2000
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